FRANK'S NEWS SUNDAY
Let's Get Harsh His name is Muhammed Ali and he has 'Parkinson's' disease. While every other 'punchy' boxer on the planet is labeled 'punch drunk,' Ali manages to acquire the diagnosis of a well known disease that afflicts famous people. In honor of his disease and his 'contributions' to the olympics, Ali was allowed to jiggle in front of the cameras at the Atlanta olympics and mumble incoherently at the crowd. Yay...
OK, before you start sending me hate mail, understand this... Ali was indeed the greatest. While rich white parents were harboring their children in college and while hypocritical hippies were taking their 'stand' against the system in Canada, Ali stood up to the system and took his case all the way to the supreme court. When the courts ruled against him, Ali took it like a man and went to prison for his 'crime.' On this alone, Ali ranks as one of my personal favorite sports figures. We need more Alis. But...
The man went into a brutal profession and had all of the consonants punched out of his head. The man can't talk and it is, for the most part, his own damned fault. Had Joe Frasier gotten himself into this position, the masses would have had no problem saying that the 'Uncle Tom' of boxing was punch drunk.
Yes, this pisses me off.
What's even worse is that I pick up a copy of a Reader's Digest and see that they have interviewed Ali shortly after the 9-11 incident and I find that RD has managed to get Ali's opinion of the Taliban act of war. Ali apparently states that this is not what Islam is all about, yada, yada, yada...
That's great.
I just have one question: How the hell did the reporter understand a damned thing that Ali said? I've heard Ali "talk" and I understood none of it. For al I knew, Ali was reciting the pledge of allegiance or giving a recipe for tofu salad or cussing at one legged storks. Or maybe he wasn't saying anything at all...
No offense, Muhammed, but you are a boxer. Not just a boxer, but a boxer who has lost the ability to be understood. If you were a politician or a professor or some sort of expert in anything, your opinion would mean something, but you're not and it doesn't. When I want an pointless opinion on current events, I'll dig up the Streep testimony to Congress on the harms of ALAR upon the children of the country.
Congressman: Ms. Streep, I realize that you wish to speak on the issue at hand but I would like to preface your statements with your qualifications. Ms. Streep, what do you do for a living?
Streep: I'm an actress.
Congressman: And you studied biochemistry at which university?
Streep: What about the children?!?!
Congressman: I don't want to distract you from your train of thought but I would like to know which scientific field you studied that makes you qualified to speak on this issue?
Streep: The Children! The Children! What about the CHILDREN!!!
Congressman: I'm sorry, the credentials that you have are...
Streep: THE CHILDREN! THE CHILDREN! WHAT ABOUT THE...
Congressman: [Produces gun and shoots self in head.]
This has inspired me to do my own Reader's Digest type interview with those that either cannot communicate with others or, maybe, should not communicate with others. I have decided to do my own roundtable interview. In this I have invited the 'experts' of politics, religion, and science.
Here we go...
FRANK: Good morning and welcome to Frank's News Sunday. Today we have invited three panelists to assist us with sorting out the issues of the week. On my left is Hare Chrishna enthusiast and loser guitarist for the now defunct rock group, The Beatles, George Harrison.
GEORGE HARRISON: [Fly crawls out of left nostril.]
FRANK: Thank you, George, glad to see you could make it.
GEORGE HARRISON: [Fly crawls into right nostril.]
FRANK: And on my right is renowned boxer and champion of the masses, Mr. Muhammed Ali. Mr. Ali, welcome to Frank's News Sunday.
ALI: Vlarb blal (slobber) fraaallum zhleezh.
FRANK: Yes, I agree.
GEORGE HARRISON: [Fly crawls out of left nostril again and starts buzzing around Ali's head]
ALI: Zlaaba! Ztuupa faaga flah! (More slobber.)
FRANK: All right, you two, settle down. You two will have to hold off at least long enough for me to introduce our third panelist. Is that OK with you?
GEORGE HARRISON: [Fly goes back to George and crawls into his right ear.]
ALI: Vraaba. Vargun azhle.
FRANK: Speaking of which, our third panelist across the table from me hails from Denver, Colorado. He is the known around the world for his utter worthlessness and completely whining demeanor. Convinced that the world owes him everything, he is a man who is deathly annoying to all who know him, yes, we'd like to welcome Sui... I mean, uh Steve.
SUICIDE STEVE: Have you seen how much money that Bill O'Reilly gets? Where's my share? It's not fair that the world just GIVES him money for no reason at all.
FRANK: Your share just went to the Porsches for Destitute Billionaires Foundation. Sorry Sui... I mean Steve, I'm sorry you had to hear about from me.
SUICIDE STEVE: Dammit! I just knew they had money for me, I KNEW it! Anyone know a good lawyer that not real greedy? Oh, yeah, and why does everyone call me "Sui..."?
FRANK: Well, I think I'll let Mr. Ali explain it to you...
ALI: Ya foggan lozza. Ya nee da (slobber) da an hazzya sissa faggan sagga di. Zah rye?
FRANK: Yes, it's Mesopotamian. Go on, explain the origin of the phrase.
SUICIDE STEVE: What? This greeedy jerk doesn't know a damned thing about Mesopotamia. If he DOES know anything, it's because he bought the knowledge for a million dollars and is hogging it all to himself.
FRANK: Steve, let Mr. Ali finish his thought.
ALI: Tha ane nah vinnizhin nah foggan thaaa, yah azzho! Honga mahfah. Doana unnasta?
GEORGE HARRISON: [Leans to left and falls to floor.]
SUICIDE STEVE: [Talking to George] Ha, ha! You jerk. Not a lot of good that money is going to do for you now, huh? I'm glad you're dead, why didn't you leave ME any money? You're a friggin' idiot just like the REST of those loser musician types. All musicians are greedy jerks, except for Mick Box. Mick is the greatest musician on earth.
GEORGE HARRISON: [Head lolls to the right, eyes fall out.]
FRANK: Thank you, Steve and George for that interesting segue. This of course leads me to this week's topic, what effect did the 9-11 tragedy really have on the collective consciousness of the United States?
SUICIDE STEVE: Look at all the money those guys' families got from the plane crashes! They got all this money and all I get is a bunch of friggin' bills from my credit card companies. Some people have ALL the luck. I wish one of MY family members had died in that thing. There's no reason I shouldn't get a piece of that pie as well!
GEORGE HARRISON: [Seeps fluid on floor.]
ALI: I thingah bunzha whaateez daad. Haaa! Mafah hoggaz (slobber) gah zhih! [Points at George] Thizz mahfah gah zheeeda loova plah. [Points at Suicide Steve] An THIH mafah neeza sberr baff ubba azz! Ah hae ziss mahfah. (slobber)
FRANK: Well, I suppose it can be said that it has been a significant paradigm shift. One day we are concerned with what we're having for dinner and the next we're sweating terrorists and mail contamination. But my real question is, have we actually suffered as much as the pop-psychologists would like us to think that we have. I mean, really, has anyone lost sleep over this because, to be perfectly frank, I haven't.
SUICIDE STEVE: But the MONEY, LOOK at it! Hell YES I've lost sleep over this. I've spent weeks trying to find out if I had anyone related that died in the tragedy. Man, I could really USE that 1.6 million dollars!
GEORGE HARRISON: [Three flies crawl out of Georg's nostrils and crawl on face.]
ALI: [Stands up and points at Suicide Steve] (slobbers) Yah gonnah dah yah honkah mahfah bassa!
FRANK: I think I tend to agree with you Muhammed but I think that Steve definitely has a point. Will money truly replace our loved ones, does the government think that it can purchase penance with a measly 1.6 million dollars?
SUICIDE STEVE: I didn't say ANYthing like that! I said that I should get some of that money, too! I mean, I suffered as much as anyone else in that building!
GEORGE HARRISON: [Continues oozing and producing insect life from various orifices.]
ALI: [Starts walking towards Suicide Steve] Gah dammah! Ah gah KIH yah, (slobber) ya mahfah!
FRANK: Muhammed, your point is well taken but there's no need to get so excited. Why don't you have a seat, ok?
ALI: [Stares at Suicide Steve and jigglingly advances on him.] Zha waazat yah faaga. [Ali steps over George and sloshes through George's post mortem fluids. Ali looks down at his feet and the points again at Suicide Steve.] Yah gannah DAH mahfah! Lah whaaya dah da mah faagah shaaz!
FRANK: Yes, I agree. I think that Twain made a valid point there.
SUICIDE STEVE: [Looking up at the oncoming Ali] I'll sue you, you rich bastard, if you so much as take even one step more, I'll get a non-greedy lawyer and sue the CRAP out of you!
ALI: [Pointing at Suicide Steve.] Yah gannah DAH!!! [Ali swings at Suicide Steve and slips on George's death soup. Ali falls on Suicide Steve.]
SUICIDE STEVE: I'll SUE you! You RICH jerk! You guys get all the breaks, you... [Suicide Steve gets crushed by Ali and dies.]
ALI: [Rolling off of Suicide Steve, Ali lands on the corpse of George Harrison] Gah DAMMAH!!!
GEORGE HARRISON: (Squish)
ALI: [Flailing around in George's juicy remains.] Gah DAMMAH! Yah gaddammah mafah ahaaa aaaaa!!!
FRANK: Well, that wraps up another segment of Frank's News Sunday. Tune in next week when we talk to Charles Manson, Paul McCartney, and Sam Kinnison. On behalf of my guests and myself, I say good day...
ALI: Ahh yah gannah daah!!! yah mahfah raah!!!
I will undoubtedly get mail from hell for this one...
