Math and Insanity   I am sitting here listening to my wife teach the kids. It goes something like this: Q: If a roller-coaster going 71,402 kilometers per fortnight is headed east during a lunar eclipse and a blind, spastic three-toed-sloth is counting the number of light blue beads in a coat previously owned by Elton John, how long will it be before Ronald Reagan meets Bill Maher in Tucson for lunch with the Jacksonville Jaguars?   A: 27.39599 antelope livers.   As I listen to the story problem, I wonder what the geeks who come up with these bizarre excuses for math exercises get paid for doing this junk.   While I do understand the need for math skills, I do not understand when it will be necessary to know how often 76.5 boys eating anchovy ice cream will upchuck their lunches (along with half of their intestines) into the Colorado River on odd numbered years in which there will be two complete solar eclipses viewable from Lichtenstein.   I never see math problems that have any basis in reality.   Reality based math would read like this: Your car has been making a strange "tinky" noise every time your car is put into reverse on days where the temperature is lower than three degrees celsius. You are a rich woman that knows little or nothing about cars and you need the car repaired by the end of April. It is now January third.   Q: At fifty plus dollars an hour, how many hours will it be before the mechanic discovers and resolves the "real" problem?   A: Are you kidding me?!?!   I would also like to see the want ads used to hire these over-educated idiots. What would be the requirements? What would be detriments? WANTED: Someone who really hates children to write story problems for our newest math book. Must be muddled and vague, have no sense of reality, and must be willing to spend extra hours working on senseless math-based situations that apply to no known situations in real-life.   Experience in anything pragmatic is not required. Business owners, laborers, and anyone with even a remote grasp on reality need not apply.   Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm not being fair... I don't care. I don't believe that I have ever needed to know the amount of time that it would take for a car (going 67.93065 mph) to meet up with a train (going 98.575764858747 kph the opposite direction) if the two were 7,096,968,333 miles apart from each other in different time zones.   It would be different if I had ever seen some kind of line-crossing in other academic areas. The idea that math books should have some kind of stories in it would be justified if I had seen other interdisciplinary based exercises.   You know, like...   Auto-Shop and Physics based Home Economics The head block on your 1969 Camaro is cracked (a <0.5mm discontinuity) and you are at the store buying refrigerated products. It is currently 15 degrees celsius with a 16 kph north-east wind. You will be driving into a headwind to your house 64.5 blocks away.   Q: What should the expiration date on the milk containers be if your family will take 5-7 days to consume the two gallons of milk that you have purchased?   A: Taking into account the wind-chill factor, the maximum driveability of the automobile, and the room temperature shelf life of the products in question, it is probably best to purchase UHT milk to ensure the safety of those consuming the dairy goods over the next week.   Or...   History based Driver's Education Benjamin Franklin has just discovered electricity and is looking for the best way to utilize his new-found principle. He is riding his bicycle down main street and decides to go to the library on the left. The library is 3 blocks away and Ben signals a left turn for the entire 3 blocks. You are following the bicycle at 11.25 mph and wish to make better time to your girlfriend's house.   Q: How do you pass the bicycle without causing him to either crash into your car or run off the road into the 6 foot deep ditch.   A: If the chick you are currently dating is HOT, just run the sonofabitch over!   Better yet...   Sex Education meets Mechanical Drafting You are currently drawing a 32 toothed gear that is 2.25 inches in diameter. You do not know the pitch of the gear nor do you know the speed that the gear will be turning when it is attached to the cam shaft. A pretty girl approaches you and asks what the pitch of the gear is and then says that you can have your way with her if you come up with the right answer. You are two days behind on the assignment and you have no condoms on hand.   Q: When you come up with the correct answer, how long will it take for you to land this chick in the sack?   A: Hey, buddy! You're a DRAFTSMAN! You got about as much chance with this broad as the president of the Science Club does! What am I saying , you ARE the president of the Science Club! What a LOSER!!!     I think that the best idea for story problems would be to have Stephen King write them. You may not know the answers but you'll have one helluva good time reading the problem...   A Stephen King Story Problem Three vampires crawled out from the storm drain and stood at the side of the night-time road. They were covered with weeds and mud, and they were drenched in blood. They stood at the side of the road brushing the debris off of their clothes and shaking the dried grass out of their hair. The tallest vampire started shaking his head violently from side to side, crimson rain covered the roadside as if a saint bernard had ascended from a river of blood and shook itself off.   Kalvin, a squat, pug-nosed whiner with bulging eyes looked about. After seeing that no-one was within earshot, Kalvin shrieked at the tall one, "So what the hell happened? This was supposed to be a smooth operation! What were you on, Ace? What in God's name were you thinking? There was no way that we could've pulled this off! Christ, the cops are looking for us, there's a room full of dead kids and the babysitter saw the entire thing! What the hell were you..."   The blade slashed through Kalvin's neck neatly severing his head from the rest of his body. Spirals of blood twisted through the air as Kalvin's spinning head arced up and over the road. The sound of Kalvin's head hitting the gravel on the other side reminded Ace of the time he dropped an overripe canteloupe out of a three story window and watched it disintegrate on the pavement below. Kalvin's lifeless body fell to the ground in perfect synchrony with the landing of Kalvin's head.   Q: If the two remaining vampires end up getting killed by thirty-five angry mothers from the local PTA, what will be the likely mode of dispatch?   A: Wooden spoons, claw hammers, and superglue.     Yeah, ok, where's my medication...