Terminal Idiotic Improvisation Disorder   I can improvise anything. Give me a tough situation and I can find a way to get through it. If I can't find the "right" stuff to make things work, I will find a way to fake it. Most of the time, this is a good thing. I find creative and functional solutions after all others attacking the problem have committed frustration induced hari-kiri.   While this may make me a valuable employee and a good source of information for those stuck in hopeless situations, it can often make for weird scenes when my "common" sense refuses to kick in. This over-improvisation is what I call Terminal Idiotic Improvisation Disorder (TIID). This disorder arises when the TIID sufferer does not have the sense to do any of the following:   Buy a new one.   The "Buy a New One " solution is one that often is lost on the typical TIID sufferer. Buying a new blender means spending money on an appliance that "really isn't that broken" and means that money spent on a new blender is that much less to spend on beer, the "Spice Channel," and video games. Some items that "do not need to be replaced" but really should be replaced are: Vacuum cleaners Electric stove burners The Classic 1965 Rambler Socks The Three Mile Island Nuclear Power Plant   Get a Professional.   Unwillingness to admit defeat and get someone that "knows what they are doing" leads to insane solutions that barely work, need constant supervision, and are probably hazardous to everyone in the area. These kinds of solutions usually involve: Natural gas Duct tape Used bubble gum Bailing wire, and 1.3 cubic yards of sand Leave It The Hell Alone.   The most obvious offenders of this category are the Modifiers. Modiifers insist that things can work much better with "just a little tweaking." Modifiers refuse to leave anything on the factory settings. A Modifier usually owns: A rewired 8-bit Nintendo system that accepts Sega, N64 and Atari cartridges. A Toaster Oven that can melt lead, silverware, and rocks. An overhauled 286 computer with a DVD-RW, 300 gig hard drive and a ninteen inch flat monitor. And... A 1976 four-wheel drive Fiat X-19 with a 318 hemi and an all wheel torque converter TIID-ers are usually harmless but can be a source of never ending frustration for those observing them. After having spent a lifetime of being forced to come up with workable solutions with utterly worthless resources, the typical TIID-er loses touch with "sensible" answers as the corporate leaders disapprove of any solutions that may result in loss of executive revenue.   TIID-ers are also aware of the need for stealth innovation. Stealth innovation consists of devising answers that do not look like ingenious solutions. TIID-ers are aware of the hazards that come with obviously innovative solutions. Innovative solutions often bring a cavalcade of uningenious parasites that will claim credit for the innovation and get the TIID-er fired in order to cover the blatant theft of an idea.   Most importantly, TIID-ers can often be just plain stupid. Being a TIID-er myself, I know that my weird trains of thought leave most people mystified and will usually result in a call to 911 due to my near-psychotic lines of thinking. TIID-ers often cannot "see the forest for the trees" because they view "normal" solutions as boring. Why buy a new shoestring when you can braid adhesive tape, yak fur, and dust-bunnies together for a perfectly viable shoestring substitute?   Here is a sample of a conversation between me and my wife while I am in the terminal TIID mode:   Scene: I am working under the kitchen sink. Pots and pans are scattered everywhere. My wife, Kathy, spies me banging on a cabinet door divider with a broken electric can-opener.   KATHY: What the hell are you doing?   ME: I'm fixing the dishwasher.   KATHY: What's wrong with the dishwasher?   ME: There's a leak underneath the dishwasher.   KATHY: Okay, explain how trashing my cabinet is related to fixing the dishwasher.   ME: Well, where should I start?   KATHY: Christ, do I really want to know?   ME: Well, since you asked... I found water on the floor when I got home. It was leaking from underneath the dishwasher. I got out the tool set and started looking for a screwdriver. Of course, this tool set has allen wrenches, mini "Vise Grips", standard and metric socket sets, needle-nose pliers, three spark plug cleaners, two-way ratchets with flexible extensions, but NO SCREWDRIVERS...   KATHY: Yes, I know. I hate that tool set, get to the part where you needed to toss the pots and pans all over the floor and then use the old electric can-opener to bang on my cabinets...   FRANK: Anyway, I had to get a look at the bottom of the faucet to see where the leak was. If I crawl under the sink, I can't see a thing because I block the light that is coming in through the door. If I take all the pans out of the next cabinet and then crawl into that cabinet, I can see under the sink without blocking the light.   KATHY: Ever heard of a flashlight?   FRANK: Yes, I have.   KATHY: And...   FRANK: Do you remember when the electricity went out and the kids used the rechargable flashlights in their rooms and managed to break both of them?   KATHY: So the regular ones won't suffice in this situation?   FRANK: Do you remember when the kids were using all of the double-a rechargable batteries and we decided that keeping the beat-up double-a flashlight was stupid? Do you remember saying that it was ok because we had a flashlight that used c-cell batteries and we had four unused rechargable c-cell batteries?   KATHY: Yeah, and...   FRANK: Well, the c-cell batteries are dead and we got rid of the drop light at the yard sale since we had so many flashlights.   KATHY: Can-opener, get to the part about beating the crap out of my house with various inoperative electrical appliances...   FRANK: Oh, yeah. By the way, I took the hand held mirror out of the bathroom so that I could reflect more light up under the sink and...   KATHY: You broke it...   FRANK: Yeah, the idea with the ladle and the super glue wasn't as good as I thought it'd be.   KATHY: Ladle and superglue?   FRANK: Yeah, you don't want to know, do you?   KATHY: Do I?   FRANK: Uh, no, you don't. I'll buy you a new ladle, and I think the cat will be OK.   KATHY: The cat?   FRANK: Uh, yeah, the cat...   KATHY: Forget it, I don't want to know. Get to the can-opener part, OK?   FRANK: Oh, yeah. Anyway, I found the problem, there is a leak at the cold water under the sink and the only way I can get the little screw thing off is to use this here huge-assed pipe wrench since all the other stuff doesn't seem to fit.   KATHY: And...   FRANK: ...and the only way that this wrench is going to fit into the cabinet is to get it to stick out of the cabinet here while it is latched onto the little screw thing up there, but there isn't enough room to turn the wrench because of this divider here.   KATHY: Um, OK...   FRANK: And since that tool kit ALSO does not have a hammer, and since the only hammer we have is a carpenter's hammer with that weird raspy head on it that trashes every surface it touches, and since this electric can-opener is already busted...   KATHY: You decided to pound out the divider with the old can-opener. Well, now, in its own extremely psychotic way, it makes sense.   FRANK: Yeah, if we had a screwdriver, I could have removed the back panel and used the "Vise Grips" to fix it.   KATHY: What? you contrive this idiotic scheme to substitute electronic gadgets for a bludgeon but don't have the sense to use a butter knife as a screwdriver substitute? What in the hell is WRONG with you?!?!   FRANK: Remember when I used the butter knife as a screwdriver and you got pissed at me?   KATHY: Jesus Christ! We actually HAD a screwdriver back then! You were being stupid!   FRANK: Oh, we had a screwdriver? Damn, now I understand, I thought that you were just being weird. No wonder you were pissed.   KATHY: Give me that stupid can-opener and go to bed.   So much for innovation...