I'm on a TRUCK! 07-04-10 23:45 EDT   Yay...   I'm really gonna update this time.   The last time I tried to update, I was in Salinas, CA with my first trainer and was having a helluva time with him.   Right now I'm in Some Goddam Place, AKA Hammond, Louisiana waiting for a reset. I've driven out all of my 70 hours and need to stay parked for a while. I was going to watch a movie on NetFlix but this connection is waaaay too slow. I was going to call Adrienne back after I figured out that the connection sucked but she sounded like she was going to go to bed. It's been a rough week for all of us.   Where do I start?   My First Trainer   My first trainer got started off on the wrong foot with me, to say the least. I won't go into all of the details, but I think after he saw my shiny notebook and multicolored Flair pens, he decided that I was an "artsy" type and proceeded to train me on exactly shit.   I drove in a striaght line a whole bunch, got multiple log violations, and learned that, as my trainer had put it, "thinking types" don't make very good truck drivers - and I was apparently one of those "thinking types."   I wasn't allowed to call anyone from inside the truck since my trainer had had a traumatic experience with one of his previous students that involved, and I am not making this up - post-menopausal, three way, lesbian phone sex. He had apparently overheard some weirdness coming from the sleeper while his lesbian trainee did some imaginary weird stuff on the phone. This frightened him so badly that all trainees were not allowed to use a mobile phone in the cab since.   I was told point blank that I would be such a rotten driver that I would eventually kill people with my truck some day. Great motivation, eh?   I did no backing, I got no observation time, I was repeatedly demeaned and insulted, and I was told that it was all because I was too stupid to do even the most basic things like use the QualComm.   There were a number of other issues with this guy that are not worth going in to right now, let's just say it was a horrifying experience and that I am glad it is over.   I actually did learn one or two handy things from him but, for the most part, it was a wash. He treated me like I was retarded and, for whatever reason, I lived up to the part. I walked away from the experience traumatized and angry. After almost 180 (out of the required 300) hours of driving, I learned little more than the fact that I was a worthless piece of shit that wasn't suited to driving a truck.   Fucking thanks, man. What an asshole.   I didn't complain to the company about it since I needed a job and because I thought it would do no good. I've seen this kind of thing before and it never comes out well. Some people were mad that I didn't say anything about this but I know how it works. I figured that it was best to forget it and move on.   So now I get...   My Second Trainer   I was pretty freaked out at the prospect of getting another pro-abortion-poster-child as my second trainer. I really wanted to just find a different job and give up the idea of being a driver again but I held it together long enough to try one more time...   I am glad that I did.   In a nutshell, my second trainer was a contract driver that was a fan of Robot Chicken and had every season of Sea Lab 2021 on DVD. Need I say more?   He was cool and patient, he let me take the wheel and do whatever I thought I could do. I did a bunch of backing, I made command decisions, and I drove like a motherfucker. He is an awesome trainer and a great guy.   The problem was that I didn't get enough time with the second trainer to learn everything that I should have with the first trainer so I am still way behind the curve, but I'm picking it up as I go. If I have any questions, I can always call up the second trainer and ask him questions. He is always willing to help and he gets me through some tough spots.   I still have a lot to learn and I am making some mistakes but I am driving safe and enjoying the experience. Yay.   On to a potential new feature on this page...   Notes From the Road: Louisiana   I've been in Louisiana more this week than I had been the entire year of my previous driving experience. Louisiana is a weird state to say the least.   Louisiana is proof that God dropped acid while he was making the universe. In fact, I think that Louisiana should be in The Bible in the Book of Genesis... "...and on the seventh day, God looked down upon Louisiana and said, 'Fuuuuck this... I'm going to bed.' "   I believe that God looked at Louisiana and thought Man, it can't GET more fucked up than this! and then thought, Wait, oh shit, this is good. I CAN make this worse! and then threw in some French Rednecks.   Holy fuck, my brain hurts.   I believe that Louisiana is God's gift to the atheists. I'm sure that if atheists were to visit this place for a few days, they would leave with definitive proof of God's Non-Existence. I can hear the standard hack line being screamed at atheist rallies, "If god exists, then why is there a place like LOUISIANA?!?!?"   And Louisiana has swamps. This place has swamps EVERY where. Jesus, what a weird phenomenon. What's really weird is that the people here have actually gone through the effort to NAME them.   For those unfamiliar with the idea, let me give you an idea what a swamp is.   Straight from Encyclopedia Britannica: Swamp - A swamp is a place in Louisiana where water settles to create a giant, rotting, murky puddle that is filled with life forms that no scientist could ever hope to cure. Swamp alligators are nothing more than highly evolved E. coli with teeth; Swamp trees are not trees at all, they are simply out-of-control fungal infections; Swamp bugs are actually just big-assed germs with wings; the fish in swamps are merely giant amoebas; and Swamp water is a conscious alien entity waiting to swallow the earth whole when it is good-and-well ready to do so.   And they actually bother to give these things names.   Here is a conversation with a local I had about the whole swamp phenomenon...   ME: Jesus, what the hell is that smell?!?!?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: What smell? I smell nothing unusual...   ME: That, that stench of, I dunno, of putred death on a hotplate or whatever... God. Damn. My eyes feel like they're going to fall out...   PIERRE du MONTAGE: Ah, you must be speaking of the masterpiece of nature before you.   ME: What? Hang on, I'm gonna put a tourniquet on my nose or something... There, this used toilet paper should do the trick. Yessss... Much better. Now what masterpiece are you talking about?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: I am of course talking about the natural beauty of the swamp that lays before you.   ME: What? Are you on crack? This, this, whatever this cesspool of disease ridden slime is, is hardly beautiful and I seriously doubt that there anything natural about it and... Oh, SHIT! The fumes from this swamp somehow made the toilet paper in my nose catch on fire. Jesus, that HURTS! Thank God I have this water bottle. There, that's better, sort of. Jesus, this smells terrible! Now what the fuck were you going on about?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: I was telling you about the regal nature of this body of water before you. It is a swamp. Have you not seen one before?   ME: No, not without my space suit and a fully armed military hazmat team behind me waiting to set the entire place ablaze. Jesus, what is that noise? Sounds like an underwater Harley or something.   PIERRE du MONTAGE: That is just one of the multitudes of water animals that thrive here moving about. The fish are quite loud today, don't you think?   ME: Fish? Dear God,   PIERRE du MONTAGE: Ah, yes, the fish are active in the Etang de la Mort du Fromage Infectieuses today.   ME: E-Tong de la what? What the hell is that?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: It is the name of this swamp - Etang de la Mort du Fromage Infectieuses.   ME: Jesus, you actually name these things? Why would you do that?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: So that we can tell the difference between them.   ME: You mean that there is a difference between these things?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: Well, no, they all pretty much look the same but we name them anyway...   ME: Damn, man, why not just start naming your septic tanks, too, while you're at it?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: Uh... What are you talking about? You mean...   ME: Oh, man, no, no I don't wanna know, forget it. So what with the name of this place? E-Tong...   PIERRE du MONTAGE: Etang de la Mort du Fromage Infectieuses? Yes, it's what we call this place...   ME: That's a long assed name, what does it mean?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: Well, literally translated, in means Pond of the Infectious Cheese Death.   ME: Pond of the Infectious Cheese Death? What would possess someone to give it a name like that?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: Well the story goes...   ME: A story, there's a story that goes with this? Oh, man...   PIERRE du MONTAGE: You see, there was a young man that discovered this place a long time ago and he was very thirsty at the time he found it. Legend has it that he came to this place, got off his horse, knelt next to the swamp, stuck his hand in the water, and POOF, he turned into a giant slab Monterey Jack. Just like that...   ME: Interesting, for sure, but obviously a myth...   PIERRE du MONTAGE: No, not so. Everyone that touches this water turns into cheese. I lost my brother to it a few years ago. He was drinking and accidentally stepped into the water.   ME: What?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: Yes, he, too was turned into a wedge of cheese...   ME: What? What the hell? What did you do?   PIERRE du MONTAGE: Well, we called 911, an ambulance showed up with 15 boxes of Ritz crackers and a cask of wine, and a good time was had by all.   ME: Wow... I think I need to get going, now....   PIERRE du MONTAGE: But don't you want to hear the story of the La Mort par l'explosion Pus Marais or Le Marais de l'herpès éternelle, or...   ME: No, thanks...   Another random thing here: I was recently driving someplace down here and saw that the median had a eight foot dropoff that would mean instant death to anyone retarded enough to drive into it at highway speed. All along the way there were signs that said "Driving across the median is illegal." Apparently "illegal" is Louisiana's word for "stupid."   Well, I'm going to turn this thing off and get to bed.   Later...   Copyright 2010 by Frank Emsley

ARCHIVES