Wow...   Wow.   I was in the process working on a stand-up routine and I made a terrible mistake...   My Dentist I've been going to a dentist to make up for my twenty plus years of dental neglect. He's a good guy and he's done a great job on fixing me up. I hate dentists because I'm so terrible about taking care of my teeth, so I feel guilty whenever I think about having to go to a dentist. I've been self conscious about my teeth for a long time and have put off important things due the way I feel about the way my smile looks, or looked, I should say.   The doc fixed everything up and on my most recent visit, I told him that I was putting off getting into stand up comedy because of my teeth. I told him that I was now ready to give it a shot thanks to his good work...   And the dentist says, "You should do your stand-up routine about dentists..."   Damn.   The Big Difference...   I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Frank, there is no difference between The American Dental association and the Mafia."   Yeah, well, you're WRONG!!!   There are four things you need keep in mind when dealing with the Mafia:   1. Most things that the Mafia does is illegal.   2. Most transactions by the mob are under the table.   3. Some interactions with the Mafia result in pain.   And of course...   4. Many interactions with the Mafia result in death.   Compare and contrast...   1. Everything that dentists do is LEGAL.   2. Not only is what they do legal, but it is WELL DOCUMENTED.   3. Almost ALL interactions with dentists result in PAIN.   And here is the kicker...   4. With dentists... You NEVER DIE! The abuse just goes on and on and on...   When a mobster says that you're going to do something with the implied addendum, "Or else," you, as a citizen, have at least a remote chance of getting out of the mess be cause what the mob does is, in essence, ILLEGAL. You can always go to the police and complain. You'll probably still die but there is at least a remote chance that you can make it out alive.   With a dentist, it's a different game. Not only is what your dentist does legal and well documented, it is co-sponsored by YOUR INSURANCE. Who the hell do you complain to about that? Hell, they don't care! Jesus, they even WROTE IT DOWN!!!   So when my dentist says, "Hey, you, come here... You gonna do a routine about dentists, you hear?" Guess what... I'm gonna do a routine about dentists.   You know the chart the dentist writes in? The one with the little teeth pictures on it? Ever see the sheet underneath it where they write everything down that they do to you? No, of course you haven't. You know why? Because it is insanity itself and no one would survive reading such a thing. Every entry ends with maniacal, nitrous-oxide induced laughter with never ending screeching about how the patient was abused and tortured...   "Drilled holes in patient's head and filled the hole with, uh, random crap that I FOUND ON THE FLOOR... Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, HA, HA, HAAA, HAAAA!!!! I put little rocks and and chunks of carpet lint in his TEETH!!! AAAHHH HAA HAAAA HAAAAA!!!! OH MY SIDES!!!! HAAAAHAAAAAAAA!!!"   It's so hard to argue with dentists about what they will do to you. You can't get a second opinion on your treatment options. Ever go to a medical doctor to talk about dental treatments? Forget it. The doctor's just gonna stand there and say...   "Molar removal from two hundred yards with a thirty-ot-six? Is this a legitimate procedure? Hell if I know... I'm not a dentist."   You're going to find exactly NO one to say that a dentist is wrong about anything. Period. Mobsters sell each other out all of the time in order to save their own butts. Doctors are stomping on each other to get face time on CNN as a medical expert in order to slam their peers.   But dentists?   Hell no.   When's the last time you saw a dentist on MSNBC saying, "I really don't think that anesthetizing patients with cavities by slamming the them in the head with a rock is a good idea." Huh? That's right, never. Because dentists have a code of silence that makes the skull and crossbones members look like gossip colmnists.   I don't even want to think about what they do to dentists that talk...   COP 1: Well, there's the body, what do you think?   COP 2: Well, he's barely recognizable but I think it's the guy we saw on TV. You know, the whistleblower that accused other dentists of filling teeth with, how did he say it, uh, I think it was, uh, "with random crap that he found on the floor..."   COP 1: Oh, hell. The thing where the whole Random Crap In The Fillings Procedure was followed with written, maniacal, nitrous-oxide induced laughter? Yeah, this is THAT guy. Dude, that scared the hell out of me...   COP 2: I've always heard that you don't roll over on dentists, now I know why...   COP 1: Yeah, look, his eye socket is completely filled with algenate. They really wanted to leave an impression, didn't they?   COP 2: Ha, ha, leave an impression... I love dental jokes... What really bothers me is the use of high noble alloy to fill in that four inch skullular restoration. These guys really spent some pennies on this one. Looks like they wanted to send a clear message here...   COP 1: Skullular restoration? What orifice did you pull that term out of? Just say it like it is, man, they bashed in his head and filled it up again with the world's largest 40% gold filling. Man, these guys are serious. What do you think?   COP 2: Dude, I think I'm gonna floss more...   And I don't think that dentists look at procedures as medical procedures, I'm sure they look at your history of dental work as kind of personality profile. The bigger an SOB one is, the worse the treatment one receives...   "Ah look, this guy's a complete bastard. Look here, his last dentist did a extraction with a shit covered salad fork. Gotta be one helluva jerk to rate that kind of treatment."   Anyway, I'm gonna try to do the dentist routine and I just hope that he likes it...   The last thing I need is for my dentist to suddenly conclude that I have 48 cavities and some sudden-onset allergy to anesthesia. That would just suck.   Remember: Never mess with a dentist that has a consigliere.   Copyright 2009 by Frank Emsley

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