Man...   Well, I got up there and did it again. I found out a key factor in doing staundup comedy: When editing your routine to get it closer to the required time, do NOT cut out the stuff that's actually FUNNY. Jesus, what a wreck.   I actually enjoyed myself this time (that's a first), I was comfortable with the microphone thanks to some rehearsing at home, and I was able to enjoy watching some of the other comedians. I suppose this would not be considered much progress but I'm happy with it.   I will be heading back to the Squire Lounge once I get a new routine. I have figured out that I can be funny on my own but I do better when responding to other people's conversations. In light of this, I'm going to take notes on things that I have had conversations about with other people...   Stray Garbage   LSD Revelation #4579 - People are like carrots, if you dig them up too early, nobody will buy them... Is there anyone on the planet that would NOT watch a midget version of the Ultimate Fighting Championship®? How about a clown version? Better yet... Midget clowns beating the shit out of each other on pay-per-view... Hell yeah... Note: The idea of being naked inside a Barney suit is disturbing. I'll think of that next time I see him on TV. There he is jumping up and down, clapping his hands, hugging the children, sporting wood, and blowing one into the fuzz... "Duh-hoi! Barney just made a HAPPY!!!" Blowing one into the fuzz is also what a prisoner is doing when he finds out that his cell mate used to be a cop... Yeah, it's the old "Barney/prison-sex double entendre." Right up there with the mattress tag joke, everyone's told this one... Someone told me a boring story about how her grandmother died. I said, "Make grandmother's story interesting: Follow the word 'died' with the phrase 'in a shoot-out with police.' In fact, ALL of your stories should involve fatal encounters with cops. No offense, of course." I love the "no offense" remark, as if that is supposed to make things all right. "Hey, you're a worthless piece of shit that needs to die in freak accident while filming barnyard porno flicks. No offense, of course." Makes everything better, right? I said something about the book 1984 and my daughter asked, "Do you even REMEMBER what you were doing in 1984?" I said, "Yeah, I was going out with YOUR MOM!" It's not often one gets to make a non-fiction, Orwellian Your Mom joke. Everyone should do that at least once in their lifetimes. Indian names are cool: Running Bear, Screaming Coyote, and all of that. It's too bad we don't have Indian names that go with modern society. We could have names like Burping Couch Potato, Man Who Screams At Computers, Shitty Bus Driver, and things like that. I dunno. MedLine Plus Headline... Real Study: Dyslexia More Complicated for Chinese... "(HealthDay News) -- Dyslexia is different, and perhaps more complicated and severe, in Chinese-speaking people than in those who speak English, a new study contends." DUH! Chinese have something like a 1000 character "alphabet" versus our 26 letters. How hard is THAT to figure out? What retards. That's like having a study that shows that One-Fingered People Have Problems Typing, that Blind People Can't Parallel Park, that Quadriplegics Don't Pole Vault Very Well, and that Harelip Rappers Don't Make As Much As Their Gangsta Counterparts... Who the hell commissions these studies and why does anyone care? I want some of this money. Another Headline on MedLine Plus.... High Doses of Vitamin E Lengthen Lives of Alzheimer's Patients. It's always a good idea to extend peoples' lives regardless of their condition. They should add more stuff to a list of "benefits" from Vitamin E usage and life extension drugs. Some possibilities... High Doses of Vitamin E Increases Pain and Prolongs the Agony of Multiple Trauma Patients. High Doses of Vitamin E Makes Patients Re-Live Their Most Horrible Nightmares. High Doses of Vitamin E Makes Cancer Patients Scream. High Doses of Vitamin E Makes Episodes of The Brady Bunch Seem Like They Are Four Hundred Years Long. Yeah, whatever.   Well, well, well...   I never know what to write.   NaNoWriMo is still coming up and I am tossing around some ideas. One weird idea is to write about HIV and what it would take to come up with a cure. I don't have enough time to do the research I need to do before the writing starts. Why write something like this? Long story... I'll probably just write a weird semiautobigraphical thing about Satanists or something.   My brain is not working too much tonight. I'm on Jessie's computer and I and struggling to find something to write about.   I bought some guitar strings this week and I went shopping. Yay. That's fucking boring. These days my life has been a series of relatively mundane activities. Not that I really mind, I can live without excitement for a while, that's for sure.   I went and visited my dad about a month ago, that was weird. My dad is 78 years old and just doing his thing with the trains and all of that. One of the weird things about being at his place is that he walks around the house just handing me shit to take home with me. Last time I got some government sponsored instant potatoes, a wrench that I have no idea how it works, and some plastic bags. This time I went home with an old drill press, six cans of juice, and a bunch of boxes of cereal. Some of the cereal was Rice Krispies and one of them was something called Crispy Hexagons.   Really.   Look...   What the fuck were they thinking when they named these things? Hell, this has to be the most awkwardly named cereal of all time. I keep thinking that the name Krunchy Dodecahedrons must've already been taken or something.   Well, I'm gonna upload this and call it a day.   Later...     Copyright 2009 by Frank Emsley

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