Life of Retardation.   Man.   I've been looking at my recent entries and I realize that they have a massive amount of suckage about them. Oh, well. Since one of my goals is to post more often, I realize that this will have a somewhat deleterious effect on the quality of my work until I get back into the groove of things again.   And on we go...   Glasses   Since I can remember, I have had great vision. My vision has been 20/15 since I was a kid. Of course, things change. Now that I'm 47, I have to consider the possibility that my superhero abilities may not be what they once were, hence the following conversation...   ADRIENNE: So why are you taking this way to the store?   ME: Well, I just wanted to take a different route. The old way was getting boring.   ADRIENNE: The "old" way? We've been here, what, four months and you're already getting bored with the "old" way of getting to the store?   ME: Not really, I just like to see the different ways to get someplace in case something happens.   ADRIENNE: Like what?   ME: Oh, I don't know, stuff like road construction. It's always nice to have alternate routes in case things go haywire. You know how traffic is around here.   ADRIENNE: What? We live in Elizabeth, Colorado, the zip code here has more digits in it that the town has people! What traffic could you possibly be talking about?   ME: I dunno, you know how everything changes and stuff. In a year there'll be ten billion people out here and road construction will go crazy. Just a pre-emptive move on my part.   ADRIENNE: Um, look out for that cow.   ME: That's not very nice. It's not like you to call people names. She just has a weight problem...   ADRIENNE: Yeah right, a woman that has a weight problem that walks on all fours.   ME: Man, that is just harsh. What, does she have a bell, too?   ADRIENNE: Hey, dumbass, it's a fucking COW! It has a BELL! Jesus, and look out FOR THAT BARN!!!!   ME: Wow, we're already at the store! That was a pretty good short cut!   ADRIENNE: That's a BARN, NOT A STORE!!! Are you BLIND?!?!   ME: What? You're insane. Hey, where did you go?   ADRIENNE: WHAT?!?! I'm right HERE!   ME: Quit screwing with me! Where did you go?   ADRIENNE: Jesus, you're BLIND! You need glasses!!! You're an idiot!!!   ME: Yeah, right... Hello, hello??? Anyone there?   ADRIENNE: And you're deaf, greeeeaaaat....   Yup, never deny the power of denial.   I hate wearing glasses.   Like I am not geeky enough as it is, NOW I have to wear glasses. It'd be different if I were trying cover my obvious bad-assedness by wearing twerpy headgear but I'm not that guy that people fear automatically. Hell, now I'm going to be ASKING for an ass-kicking. Thanks a lot... Well, at least I'm not driving over as many children as I used to. Yay.   Duct Tape and Other Stuff for Sale Yay. Duct tape!   Another one of my goals this year is to get on the duct tape stuff on the site. When I was living in a trailer, we had a joke about fixing everything with duct tape. As a joke, my ex-wife got a book from the library about making stuff out of duct tape for me. I got a roll of duct tape and made a few things from the book. After a few projects, I started making stuff of my own design. For whatever reason, I found that I had an affinity for duct tape wallets and purses. The stuff I made at first was ok but not very durable. My daughter, Jessica, hauled around a few models until they fell apart.   Odd note: At some point, Jess took a duct tape purse to work just to show someone. The purse itself was empty as it was a demo. Jess left the purse in her unlocked locker and someone stole it. It was quite the revelation. It's nice to know that your stuff is actually worth stealing.   Anyway, I went on to make a few pieces for friends and actually sold a few when I ran across a post about duct tape stuff claiming that using cardboard in duct tape creations was heresy, HERESY, HERRESSSSY!!! I remember reading the article and thinking, "Wow, cardboard, what a GOOD idea!" Of course, I disregarded the hallowed, time-honored tradition of cardboard-free duct tape stuff and proceeded to infuse cardboard into everything except the wallets. The results were phenomenal.   Since the cardboard revelation, the purses have been much better. I started using Velcro to keep the flaps down and have added dividers inside the purses. Everything is made with Duck Tape brand tape and reinforced to the teeth. I have two (two-tone) color schemes for my works. The first scheme is a base color with a horizontal band of the second color around the middle of the purse and wallet. The second scheme is alternating colors in a diagonal pattern on the purse and the wallet.   I'll be selling wallets and purses through my web site. The setup is pretty simple. Wallets are $20.00, Purses are $25.00 and Wallet/Purse combinations are $40.00.   Here's the Duct Tape page...   I used to sell Amazon stuff on a web site a long time ago. I actually made money at it but life got weird and the whole deal fell by the wayside. I am in the process of setting up the page again with all the weird old stuff I used to sell. I like cool books, cruddy movies, and weird gadgets. I will be including any movies that I have reviewed on this page and will write new reviews for others that I suggest. There will be a lot of cool stuff on this page once I get it up and going.   Here's the Other Stuff for Sale page...   NASA   Just for laughs I went to the NASA site and applied for a job. I have no experience in anything they would have a use for so I decided that I would take my ordinary experience and gussie it up a bit to make it sound, to me at least, that I was qualified to do the job...   I never really completed the process but I do still have some of the information that I put on the site...   The Job: Application - 7748 - Scientist, Relativistic Astrophysics Group   The Cover Letter Proposal for Employmentification   Salutications,   My name is Frank Emsley.   Due to my experience in the physical application of scientific theory in what would often be referred to as mundane pedestrian activities, my contributions to your agency promise to be vast and enlightening.   I look forward to meeting you and I also look forward to my future employmentification with your knowledgefied facility.   Thank you for your attentionification.   Frank Emsley.   Partial Resume   Triage Consultifier   Company: XXXXXX Greenwood Village, CO, United States of America May 2003 - Present   Personal communications expert. Verbalizes with heath care professionals about cardiac mortifications concerning Organ donorfiers and potential parts extractions of previously alive persons who are considered to be currently without vital signs. Part-time personal excretion hygiene attendant during the disavailability of janitorial staff. Walking surface sanitizer and employee meal utensil disfoodinizer.   Consumer Troubleshooting Specializer Company: XXXXXX Englewood, CO, United States of America Mar 2002 - May 2003   Personal communications technician. Verbalized with potential former customers concerning the negative pressure issues with the company. Randomly discontinued unsavory supervisory issues and redirected customerial inquiries to dial-tone related activities. Non-full-time excretional waste management activities during janitorial break related time periods. Hallway cleanliness technician and managerial food consumption item de-nutrient specialist.   Consumer Relations Company: XXXXXX Aurora, CO, United States of America Aug 2001 - Mar 2002   Personally communicated logistical lodging errors to potential guests and advised on possible automotive-based alternatives to motel related sleeping quarters. Denied services to any and all clients arriving after 22:00 while relaying deceptive statistics to customers on the likelihood of discontinued cardiac function should the customer have chosen to remain overnight at our quarters. Porcelain-based sanitation engineer during extended absence of cleaning crews. Nutrition equipment sanitizer. Sexually based management appeasement trainee.   Scary Thoughts (A found entry from 2003)   I work at a place that supplies technical parts for businesses. When a customer cannot locate the appropriate department, we refer them to our Unit Location department. This department is notorious for giving our erroneous information. Customers, especially when speaking to "Mikey" can get information so inaccurate that customers can wind up with damn near anything as a substitute part.   Here is a sample conversation with one such customer:   CUSTOMER: Hi, I've received a part suggested by Mikey in Unit Location, I don't think that it's the correct part.   ME: OK, sir, what is the part number that you ordered?   CUSTOMER: 41005-55-6564.   ME: OK, this part is coming up on my computer as a "CANT-1, RIPE." Does this sound like the correct part?   CUSTOMER: It sounds like the part description matches the part, it just wasn't the part that I was looking for.   ME: What part were you looking for?   CUSTOMER: A TOCO adapter.   ME: And what part did you receive?   CUSTOMER: Um, I got a...   ME: A what?   CUSTOMER: Uh, I got a cantaloupe, a ripe one.   ME: Um, OK. A cantaloupe, you say?   CUSTOMER: Yeah, a ripe one, to boot. You see? That's the description...   ME: Ah, yes, the "CANT-1, RIPE" thing, I see.   CUSTOMER: Yeah, so this isn't going to work. I'll need the adapter instead.   ME: What unit was this ordered for?   CUSTOMER: Well, that's kind of weird. We needed the part for the SS1 project.   ME: SS1? OK... What company do you work for?   CUSTOMER: I work for NASA.   ME: NASA? What is the SS1? It is not showing up on my computer.   CUSTOMER: Well, it's the space station.   ME: Space Station? You're kidding!   CUSTOMER: I wish I was kidding. We went to install this thing and discovered way too late that it was not going to work on the unit.   ME: Really? What happened?   CUSTOMER: Well, it kind of, um, exploded and screwed up a bunch of other parts that it was stored with...   ME: Exploded? How the heck????   CUSTOMER: Well, its one of the effects of negative pressure.   ME: Negative pressure? Was it being sealed in a vacuum or something?   CUSTOMER: Well, no. It was being installed when it exploded during E.V.A.   ME: E.V.A.?   CUSTOMER: Yeah, Extra Vehicular Activity.   ME: So you got out of your car and, what, stepped into a vacuum?   CUSTOMER: No, of course not. We "stepped" out of the shuttle...   ME: The shuttle?   CUSTOMER: Yeah, the space shuttle...   ME: OK, wait, you launched a cantaloupe into space? Didn't anyone seem to think this was a little weird?   CUSTOMER: Well, you know, since we couldn't know for sure if was compatible until we actually installed it, we had to...   ME: Dude, it was a CANTALOUPE! What in the hell made you think that it had any function on a space shuttle?   CUSTOMER: HEY! YOU were the idiots that sent it to us!   ME: Oh, yeah, good point... Well, we can replace the part but there is a 25% restocking charge.   CUSTOMER: Let's see, 25% brings us to a $1000.00 restocking fee.   ME: You paid $4000.00 for a CANTALOUPE?!?!   CUSTOMER: Hey, you SENT it to us....   ME: Oh, yeah, again, sorry. You're right. So what part were you actually looking for?   CUSTOMER: We wanted an apple...   ME: WHAT?!?!   CUSTOMER: Just kidding...   ME: Oh, ok...   CUSTOMER: Blah, blah, blah....   Sorry, I'm OK now...   Back to our regular program.   Fuck, I need to get a life....     Copyright 2009 by Frank Emsley