Random Crap... Yay,   It has been forever since I updated this page.   My last entry, on August 15, 1406, was a humdinger so good that I felt that I didn't need to update for the next fifteen fucktillion years (or at least that's what I thought). Yeah, right. Guess what? People need new stuff to read. Duh.   Note to self: KILL THIS GODDAM COMPUTER!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!   Sorry I'm ok now.   And the Squirrels, They Were Married...   Yes, they were married.   When I watch Star Trek or some other insane space drivel, I always wind up hearing about the Big Rule Of Ultimate Oneness (BROUO) or the Universal Peace Dilation (UPD) or the Benevolent Ultimate Time Tested Peaceful Orders Regarding Kinder Earth Relations (BUTTPORKER) or some other crap that's supposed to bring all the species, races, and minerals into a giant, jismatic glob of gooey happiness. This left-winged retardation is gross, insane, and I hate it. The universe is far from being a wonderful place.   The wrongheaded idea of some sort of attainable intergalactic / universal / world peace is shoved up our butts more often than gerbils at a San Francisco Vaseline convention and it makes me crazier than a blind lesbian at a fish market.   Much to the dismay of the Democrat Party, here is the reality of everything and then some...    Truth 101 - Lesson One: The universe is one giant piece of shit and there is no amount of wishing or hoping or any other garbage that will change the fact that all-of-everything is red in tooth and claw.   - Simply stated -   We're all gonna die and life fucking SUCKS...   Uh, yeah...   The point? Oh, yeah. The point. While SETI is looking for a The Big Message (TBM) from the outer reaches of space, they do not realize that the Rosetta Stone for the Universe is likely right here at Amazon.com.   There is an all-continuum standard that is as unavoidable as gravity and truer than the fact that Uriah Heep is the biggest piece of shit band to ever exist (Ok, maybe the Uriah Heep thing was over the top. Einstein was once overheard saying, "E=MC squared? Yeah, it's pretty solid but it's nothing compared to Mick Box's ability to completely suck the life out of rock and roll. There is nothing in science that can ever match this axiom of axioms."), and this standard (Yes, you know, the all-continuum standard thingie I was talking about earlier? You know, the one I told you about two days ago at the beginning of this insane run on sentence?) covers all aspects of life...   INTERIOR: TWO MOBSTERS ARE SITTING AT A TABLE IN A RESTAURANT.   MOBSTER 1: So this guy, he's pissed off everybody. He's screwed everyone and their goddam dog, so we go to do this job, right?   MOBSTER 2: Yeah, so?   MOBSTER 1: So we go to the house, knock on the door and tell him he's coming with us...   MOBSTER 2: Yeah, ok...   MOBSTER 1: So the guy takes out his phone and makes a call. He calls his cousin and hands the phone to me. His cousin tells me we can't pop this wiseguy until Thursday. I'm like, "What????"   MOSBSTER 2: What the hell? Who's his cousin?   MOBSTER 1: Fuck if I know. I just know that the cousin calls Vinny and now I've got this thing I gotta do with the boss before we can pop the guy. We had to fuckin' leave without the guy.   MOBSTER 2: Jesus.   MOBSTER 1: Come to find out, we gotta talk to three other guys and, get this, a fucking COP before we can do anything. Seems they got these papers and stuff that the cops gotta fill out and all this weird shit. Christ, they'll probably forget the cover sheet on the fax and shit and before you know it, the punk's gonna die of old fucking age before we get a chance to push some lead into his head.   MOBSTER 2: Great, fucking TPS reports, that's all this family needs...   MOBSTER 1: No shit. Christ, I love that movie.   Yup, that's it. There is one great bridge between all cultures, races, and possible species - it is The One Great Common Denominator: Office Space. If you have not seen this movie, shoot yourself. You need to see this movie. It should be a grade school requirement surpassing all other required courses. It is the one thing that keeps so many people sane in this lunatic world.   It comes down to this - All things in all-of-existence have to deal with, and are extremely pissed off by, mediocrity. Somewhere on the planet is a leaf-cutter ant that has to deal with the coffee-mug-toting supervisor saying, "Uhhhh, yeah... I think you're going to have to move that thing over there before I can let you go to lunch. By the way, I'm going to need you to come in this Sunday and refile some of those tree bark reports and then clean the office for the big meeting next week. Ok? That'd be great..."   To bring things full circle...   There is no doubt in my mind that this could actually be the way that our first real encounter with the aliens could turn out like...   INTERIOR: TWO ALIENS ARE IN A VIDEO STORE AFTER TAKING OVER THE EARTH...   ALIEN 1: (PICKING UP A DVD BOX) What in Hells is the use of these? I watched some of these and they're the stupidest things I've ever seen.   ALIEN 2: No kidding. I saw this one called MacGyver or something like that. Holy Jognar! What a joke! It was retarded! Everyone knows that you can't build an FA-18 out of duct tape, three marbles, and a bag of ants! I mean, where are the gumdrops? Huh?!? How in Granthar's name could he do that without gumdrops?!? These humans....   ALIEN 1: Ha, ha. Granthar's name, that was a good one. (IMITATING THE MOVIE CHARACTER) "By Granthar's Hammer, I shall avenge you!!!" Ha, ha, ha! that was actually a pretty good one... (PICKING UP ANOTHER DVD BOX AND OPENING IT) We should watch this one. It looks pretty stupid.   ALIEN 2: Yeah...   INTERIOR: ALIEN 2 PUTS DVD IN A DVD PLAYER AND PLAYS IT. THE ALIENS WATCH THE MOVIE AND ARE STUNNED.   ALIEN 1: Whoa! Did you see that? Holy Magrathma! If that isn't Kalmar, I don't know what is!   ALIEN 2: Yeah, man, just replace that coffee mug with him biting off the head of a live gorthnag, and no-one would be able to tell the difference! "Uh, yeah... That'd be fongular..." What's their word for it?   ALIEN 1: Uh... Wait, I think it was, oh yeah, it was... "Great... That'd be Great..."   ALIEN 2: (LAUGHING) That's IT! You sound just like him!   ALIEN 1: Oh, and that stapler guy! Is he Beeser or what?!?! "Uh, yeah, mumble, mumble, set the whole ship on fire, mumble, mumble..."   ALIEN 2: I'm telling you, wait until we pass this to the Fabulons, they're gonna crack up!   ALIEN 1: Wow, no kidding, I never thought of that. Hells, when I was in their prison camp, I felt sorry for THEM! All the paperwork and other hoops that those poor guards had to jump through just to beat OUR asses. What a joke! It was worth a good ass-kicking just to watch them kill themselves on all of red tape.   ALIEN 2: No shit. You know what? They didn't deserve that...   ALIEN 1: No kidding, we should send them a copy of this...   ALIEN 2: Yeah, they might get a kick out if it... Funny that this should be a common thing between us. I wonder if anyone else would get it.   ALIEN 1: Yeah, weird. Wouldn't it be funny if this was a start to something besides all of this war stuff?   ALIEN 2: Wow, never thought of that. Who'd have thought that something as low-life as the humans would be a starting point to a better way of doing things?   ALIEN 1: Not me, that's for sure. What did you think of our latest conquest, here?   ALIEN 2: Pretty decent. Too bad there are no people left...   ALIEN 1: Yeah, they were pretty good, don't you think?   ALIEN 2: Hells, yes... Especially with barbecue suace!!!   ALIEN 1 & 2: (LAUGHING TOGETHER) HA! HA! HA!   Yeah, sure, it sucked.   I don't care...   It was fun to write. Copyright 2008 by Frank Emsley