Grab Bag   The Divorce   Yay! It's OVER!!!   The divorce is final... I wrote a whole diatribe about this wonderful event and then deleted it.   In a nutshell: She showed up with an ancient psuedo biker. She looked like trailer-trash. We all (I, Kathy, the Kids, and Fake-Biker-Boy[FBB]) went into a room with a judge. FBB tried to be the ever-comforting-guy and groped Kathy through the entire procedure. We got divorced. The end. It wasn't that funny.   So, on to bigger and better things...   Michael Jackson   The second entry in the Grab Bag comes from a conversation I had with someone at work, it went like this:   ME: So do you think that they're going to convict Michael Jackson?   CO-WORKER: I don't know, but it's gonna be really bad for him if he goes to prison.   ME: Really? Why?   CO-WORKER: Well, you know what they say happens to millionaire-kid-porkers when they go to the slammer...   ME: No, I don't. What do they say?   CO-WORKER: Well, you know, they're gonna get what is, ummm... Coming to them, heh, heh, if you know what I mean.   ME: No, I don't know what you mean. What do you mean?   CO-WORKER: What, are you stupid or something?   ME: I guess. I haven't followed that many cases where a millionaire-kid-porker went to jail. In fact, this is the first time I've ever heard of such a case.   CO-WORKER: Come on, man. You know what they do to pedophiles in prison, donn't you?   ME: Uh, they give them food?   CO-WORKER: No, come on, dude...   ME: You mean they DON'T give them food? Damn, why pedophiles? Why should a pedophile starve while murderers get to eat? That's pretty screwed up.   CO-WORKER: That's not what I meant...   ME: Man, have you seen how skinny he is? Damn, Michael's gonna die in a week without food. That's screwed up.   CO-WORKER: No! Are you deliberately doing this to drive me crazy? They're gonna give him food, ok? In fact, they're gonna give him a lot more than he bargained for, you know what I'm saying?   ME: You mean they're gonna stuff him?   CO-WORKER: Yes, that's what I mean.   ME: Man, he's gonna be pretty screwed up when he gets out. How much are they going to jam into him?   CO-WORKER: More than he can handle...   ME: Wow.   CO-WORKER: Yeah, "Wow," is right. He's gonna be getting it morning, noon, and night.   ME: Holy crap. Is he gonna be a rapper when he gets out? Because he is gonna look like Notorious B.I.G. when they're done with him...   CO-WORKER: Huh?   ME: Well, with them jamming all that food into him, he's gonna gain a lot of weight. The only really fat superstars I know of are gangsta rappers. I wonder if it will bring his voice down an octave or two. It'd be really weird to see this big, fat rapper slinging stuff about drive-bys when he sounds like a little kid. Maybe they could convince people that he's one of those little kid rappers all grown up, you know, like Criss-Cross or something. "Warm it up, bitch." "I'm about to" "Warm it up, bitch." "That's what I was born to do"   CO-WORKER: What? Dude, you're insane.   ME: Sorry, I'm ok now...   The problem with the idea that only pedophiles get raped in prison is that it is insane. They say the same thing about everyone else that gets convicted of one crime or another. This is why I like to start conversations about all notable cases with things like...   "Man, have you been watching this EnRon case? You know why that guy blew his brains out when he got his subpoena? Man, you know what they do to crooked accountants in prison, don't you?"   The answer to the question is this...   "Yes, I know what they do to crooked accountants in prison... They do the same thing to Crooked-Accountants that they do to Bank-Robbers and Rapists and Con-Men and Forgers and Double-Parkers and EVERYONE ELSE WITH AN ANUS!!! They Ass-Rape them! So SHUT-UP ALREADY!!!!"   What I'd like to hear about is the cases where someone DOESN'T get raped in prison.   A sample conversation...   ME: So do you think that they're going to convict that gay designer guy turned murderer?   CO-WORKER: I don't know, but it's gonna be really bad for him if he goes to prison.   ME: Really? Why?   CO-WORKER: Well, you know what they say happens to gay designer guys turned murderer when they go to the slammer...   ME: No, I don't. What do they say?   CO-WORKER: Well, you know, they're gonna get what is, ummm... Coming to them, heh, heh, if you know what I mean.   ME: No, I don't know what you mean. What do you mean?   CO-WORKER: What, are you stupid or something?   ME: I guess. I haven't followed that many cases where a gay designer guy turned murderer went to jail. In fact, this is the first time I've ever heard of such a case.   CO-WORKER: Come on, man. You know what they do to gay designer guys turned murderer in prison, don't you?   ME: Uh, they ass-rape them?   CO-WORKER: No, man, you must be still thinking of the Michael Jackson thing.   ME: Yeah... Michael Jackson. That's what I must've been thinking....   CO-WORKER: Come on, man. Think! What is the worst thing that they could do to a gay designer guy turned murderer?   ME: Uh, Feed him?   CO-WORKER: No, man. They're gonna take him into a cell, they're gonna tie him up, and, well, you know the rest...   ME: No! I don't know the rest!   CO-WORKER: Well, they'll get a bunch of well-hung prisoners to take off their clothes and, well, you know...   ME: Huh? They'll ass rape him? Is that what they'll do?   CO-WORKER: No, man, even worse...   ME: They'll feed him? Are you deliberately doing this to drive me crazy? What are they going to do to him?   CO-WORKER: Man, they're going to gang-deny him.   ME: Huh?   CO-WORKER: Yeah, man, they'll strut this stuff in front of him and they won't let him have any. It's pretty fucked up...   ME: Jesus, that's pretty harsh....   [INSERT SEGUE CONNECTING ASS-RAPE TO UNSIGHTLY METAPHORS HERE]   Metaphor Man   We recently watched a thing about The Bible Code.   The Bible Code is a special on the History Channel that talks about people that use computers to re-arrange the characters in the bible so that they predict the future. A-Psuedo-Excerpt...   NARRATOR: So Archmad Scharchodivitz, famed bible scholar, then developed a method that allowed his computer to take apart the bible character by character and then rearrange them in a specific sequence to show hidden messages in the Book-of-God.   CUT TO:   ARCHMAD SCHMARCHOVITZ: So then I created this program to decode the bible. I first put the phrase "Michael Jackson" into the program to see what would happen...   SCREEN SHOWS AN OBLITERATED BIBLE IN ITS ORIGINAL LANGUAGE, CERTAIN PHRASES ARE OUTLINED LIKE A WORD SEARCH PUZZLE.   ARCHMAD SCHMARCHOVITZ: You see here the key phrases: "Michael," "Food," Gansta," and "Rapper," are revealed in the script. It is obvious then that Michael will be fed tons of food in prison and will become a high-pitched rapper talking about drive-bys and other things related to the gangsta lifestyle...   But that's not the interesting part of the show. The interesting part of the show is the display of the person that the kids and I have decided to call Metaphor Man.   Metaphor Man is a real life person that makes his point with obtuse metaphors. Metaphor Man is someone that is apparently a genius when it comes to the bible, but something less when it comes to the use of metaphors...   CUT TO:   METAPHOR MAN: You see, it's like a bicycle. A bicycle with one wheel and no chain. If you were to ride this bicycle, you would say,"Wow, the pedals work great but I wish it weren't raining." And then, of course, you'd look down and see that the Lawn had not been mowed and it would all suddenly make sense.   I wish I were exaggerating. Every time they cut to Metaphor Man, his explanations would make less and less sense...   CUT TO:   METAPHOR MAN: Ok. Let's just say that you decoded the entire bible and you didn't know what to do with the wealth of information that you have just uncovered. The answer is simple... Remember when you were a kid and your dad would let you use the chainsaw? He would always say, "Now son, remember that one-legged platypuses are a natural part of the universe, too!" This is where you would see that yellow plastic flamingos must play their part in the world like anyone else and that you must let them carry out their mission. Three dogs and a burrito don't grow on chrysanthemum bushes, if you know what I mean...   I had a whole thing about Metaphor Man going on a date but I got bored with it.   [INSERT SEGUE THAT LINKS LAME METAPHORS TO CRAPPY MOVIES HERE]   The Ring: Two   Holy Fucking Shit...   I've seen some crappy movies in my time, but damn....   The kids and I have developed something of a routine since El-Bitcho departed the scene, one of these routines is to go to the Elvis Cinema (Yes, it is called the Elvis Cinema, one of many here in the Denver area) and catch a two-dollar movie every once in a while.   We went to see The Ring Two yesterday and we were amazed at how crappy a movie can be. As Clint said, "That wasn't worth the four-dollars-apiece we spent on this movie."   Normally, when we see a National Treasure type orgasm on the silver screen, we usually get our kicks out of making fun of it. This more than makes up for the little amount of money that we spent on going to see it. Such is not the case in The Rings Two.   Note: It is said that when one experiences extreme pain or abuse, one will withdraw into a world that is of the creation of one's own mind. This withdrawal is known in the world of psychology as Dissociation. It is often manifested as another place like a house or a park or something. I found out that my dissociative place is The Little Pink Room With Flowers on the Walls.   Synopsis: Waves are shown from an overhead point of view. Waves are washing over the shore for no known reason at all. This could possibly be foreshadowing a large plumbing accident. I don't remember. Somewhere in the beginning of the movie a teenager gets killed and is left with a grotesquely disfigured face. We figured that he must have been exposed to the daily cuts of this movie prior to its release. We find out that the main character and her kid are the ones from the previous movie. At this point the audience swells with an almost erotic sense of apathy. The movie continues on... Somwhere along th line, Mom burns a video tape that has the famed "You're gonna die in seven days" footage. The kid takes a bunch of pictures of the little girl and the little boy is then mistaken for a priest. There is a carnival with marbles. Then... The Little Pink Room With Flowers on the Walls. The bathtub and all the water coming out of the door. An upside-down swimming pool dominates the scene, I think, and then... The Little Pink Room With Flowers on the Walls. Some other stuff happens, I don't know... The Little Pink Room With Flowers on the Walls. In fact, The Little Pink Room With Flowers on the Walls occupied most of the time that the movie played. I seem to remember that there was another guy that was killed and that Sissy Spacek was in the movie but that's about it.   Oh, yeah, and there was a close up of some furniture.   We decided that the credits were not credits at all but that they were simply a list of people who were shot after the movie was completed.   I really should write movie reviews for a living.   Copyright 2005 by Frank Emsley