Rant Day III: Corporate Insanity   OK.   Last year I promised myself that I would try to update every week. In looking back at the year, I see that I didn't even come close to that goal.   While the year wasn't a raving success, it was still more than I've done in quite a while.   Part of the problem had to do with material procurement. The best stuff to write about was from my job. My place of employment was chock-full of stories to be told but actually telling them would have cost me dearly. Trying to write about other things seemed to be a serious waste of time and effort because my best stuff was sitting there staring at me in the face. And I couldn't write a single word about it. Well, due to some brilliant maneuvering on my part, I was able to sever my ties with them for good. Yup...   I was fired.   In order to continue the current trend of events, I will now talk about this company in a no-holds-barred fashion and guarantee that I will never be able to work again.   Let's Talk About Dorks, Baby...   I worked for a company that sells technical equipment to other technical companies. I was a contract employee that placed orders for parts that were supposed to be installed into their equipment. I discovered early on that this company had a unique approach to its business.   While most companies are fighting tooth and nail to keep their customers happy, the company I contracted for worked their hardest to piss off everyone and their neighbor's dog to ensure that no-one would ever buy parts from them ever again.   How did they do this? Simple. They did everything in their power to prevent their customers from getting parts. Some examples...   1. For a period of about six weeks, the parts department HQ declared that all unshipped parts were not sent due to the "fact" that the unsent parts were now "obsolete." We had no idea where this trend started, we just knew that going up the chain of command to find unshipped parts was going to result in an email stating that the part was no longer shippable due to its obsolescence. While some of the parts were genuinely obsolete due to policy changes, (smaller parts were not sell-able due to the parts only being available in higher assemblies, [e.g., the customer had to buy the tires along with the rims rather than the tires alone]) most of it was pure laziness. One conversation I had went along this line...   ME: Hey, I just got a customer that ordered a 12440-G for his Doohickey-4000 and he didn't get it. What happened?   PARTS HONCHO: Uh, let me check... (AFTER A .000021 SECOND PAUSE) It's obsolete.   ME: What? You just introduced the model last year, how can it be obsolete?   PARTS HONCHO: Well, uh, it is. You can't get it any more.   ME: What? Don't you have a six year obligation to supply parts for the unit?   PARTS HONCHO: Yeah, so?   ME: "So?" That's your answer? "So?" We promised these guys that they could fix their units if they broke! We said that we would supply parts for the life of the product!   PARTS HONCHO: Yeah, well, we don't. So there. They'll have to buy a new unit.   ME: Are you kidding? The unit costs $10,000! The system says it's orderable and we promised the customer this part...   PARTS HONCHO: Listen, buddy, you contract employees are all alike, you always want to do the impossible. The part is obsolete, that's it. Now live with it.   ME: Fine. I'll tell the customer that he will have to buy another unit since he can't get his hands on this "obsolete" $200.00 part. I will of course have to document this and let the customer know why we reneged on our contract with him. In order to close the issue, I'll have to get some information from you. What is your name?   PARTS HONCHO: Uh, sure, hang on. My name is, uh... (DIAL TONE)   I wish I could say that I was making this up.   2. I once received a memo that stated that a major part of their computer ordering system went down due to system problems. They were unable to fix the problem since they, and I'm not kidding, lost all staff capable of repairing the system to "streamlining events." In other words, they downsized anyone and everyone qualified to repair the system and they admitted as much in a written document!!!   3. In trying to get an orderable part for one of my customers, I ran into a most unbelievable person. The customer had already committed to purchasing the part and, after 90 days of waiting, wanted to know why the part hadn't shipped. After asking around about the problem, I got my hands on an email that addressed the problem with this order. The Parts Honcho's response was incredible, it read something like,   "Before I spend any time on this, I need to know two things.   1. Who wants it? and 2. Why?"   When I saw this I lost my mind. I fired off an email that sent my boss into conniptions. My response was something to the effect   > 1. Who wants it? A customer that was told that this part was AVAILABLE FOR ORDERING and was willing to PAY for it!   >2. Why?" Because this customer has the RIDICULOUS idea that when he ORDERS something from us that we should make at least a modicum of effort trying to SEND HIM WHAT HE ORDERED!!!   Well, needless to say, I almost lost my job over it. I found out that I had managed to piss off the fourth or fifth highest person in the California division. The effort exerted on my part managed to get the customer exactly what the parts division wanted him to get: Nothing.   On top of all of this, this company has ensured its continuing pattern of order non-fulfillment by introducing a new method of placing non-orders...   We call it Orgasmicle™   Let's just say that I'm a president of a big company and let's say that I can make a choice between the following database systems for our company to use:   Microsoft Notepad™ A Rusty Fork™ Dried Llama Dung and Broken Pencils™ Orgasmicle™   Yes, I know what you are thinking:   "That Notepad™ thing looks mighty enticing. Then again, I've heard quite a bit about A Rusty Fork™, that could do the trick, too! And, hey, who HASN'T heard about Dried Llama Dung and Broken Pencils™?"   Sure, any saavy CEO would be salivating over the opportunity to jump right in and start tearing into those orders and trying to figure out the ledger format while getting elbow deep into the llama crap with a broken pencil in each hand. Hey, who wouldn't?   But let's say that your company is having a bad year and laying off people by the thousands. Let's also say that stock prices are dropping and your customers are increasingly dissatisfied with your service levels. Let's also say that you just can't wait to pick the worst possible software on the planet to use for organizing stock, taking orders, and maintaining inventory. Then of course you make a beeline for the Orgasmicle™ software.   Imagine a software that cannot separate service and product line items, forcing employees to jam service charges into hardware charges while praying that the customers don't look too closely at their invoices.   Picture being unable to locate accounts by the recipients' addresses and then combing through major companies with fifteen separate accounts, each account having up to a hundred possible shipping and billing addresses, and having to look at each address individually before being able to place an order.   Try to comprehend a software that DOESN'T ALLOW CUSTOM INFORMATION ON EACH SHIPPING LABEL, a software that requires a NEW LINE added to the ACCOUNT in order to create a simple ATTENTION LINE on the friggin' SHIPPING LABEL!!! The addition of lines to an account can take up to TWENTY FOUR HOURS!!!   If you want to send a package to someone with an attention line of "Attention: Purchase Order 144245," you essentially have to build a NEW ACCOUNT for THAT PURCHASE ORDER!!! I work with companies that produce THOUSANDS OF PURCHASE ORDER NUMBERS EVERY YEAR!!! Wait, it gets better! None of these purchase order lines will EVER BE DELETED FROM THE ACCOUNT!!!! Sorting through an account may require looking through THOUSANDS OF LINES OF INFORMATION EVERY TIME AN ORDER IS PLACED!!!! YAY!!!!!   This whole process is like buying a box of checks made out ONLY TO THE PIZZA GUY! If you want to write a check to someone else, you have to buy a NEW BOX OF CHECKS for EVERYBODY YOU WRITE CHECKS TO and you have to do so WELL IN ADVANCE of your NEED FOR THEM!!!   If Orgasmicle™ ran my bank and I got into an accident, I would have had to request the checks with the emergency room's doctor's name on them up to twenty four hours BEFORE I HAD THE ACCIDENT!!!   Oh, yeah, and the stories about MY company REFUSING any packages that do not have an attention line are LEGENDARY! We could not accept packages that WE SHIP TO OURSELVES!!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!   Sorry, I'm OK now. The above entry was written in a fit of anger and things have actually been addressed in the system so that attention lines can be added to labels. Of course, just before I left, Orgasmicle™ started developing some pretty cute little glitches...   For one thing, we were told that once an order number is generated, the order becomes a permanent part of the database and cannot be deleted. This was good news as when the system crashed, we could retrieve what was left of the order as long as we had an order number.   Just before I left, Orgasmicle™ started deleting entire orders, (front-to-back, parts, addresses, purchase order numbers, I mean EVERYTHING) if the system crashed in the middle of placing an order. It lost information even if an order number was generated!!! Any crashed orders were un-look-up-able even with the generated order number. The explanation we were given was a classic case of double-think. Here it is:   We hallucinated the transaction and the order number that went along with it.   Since Orgasmicle™ kept a running list of all transactions in consecutive order, we proved to them that there were gaps in the orders. We demonstrated to the company in between order number "3" and order number "5," there should have been an order number "4." The company's reply to this was pretty much:   "There is no number 4. The rumor that there has ever been a number 4 is a hideous and transparent attempt to discredit our choice of database systems. We will be sending out crews to pry all of these alleged '4' keys off of your computer keyboards and replace them with little plastic copies of our company logo."   Of course, when the customers started coming back asking about their order numbers, order numbers which the customers must also have hallucinated, the company rethought its approach to the problem and admitted that there may be a problem with the system.   In Closing...   Again, I wish I could say that I was making this up. I spend many sleepless nights trying to come up with a metaphor to describe this company's need to fuck itself and all of its stockholder's completely over. Some examples:   "This company is handing out Jesse Jackson flyers at a Klan rally."   "This company is a man in a desert dying of thirst. In front of this man is a water truck containing ten thousand gallons of water. The man runs away from the truck and dives headfirst into a pool filled with thumbtacks and heated lye."   "I'm on the Gong Show and the customers are my panel of judges. I realize that all I have brought to entertain the audience is a bag of rotten turnips and a huge aersol can filled with human flatus. Just when I think it can't get any worse, I realize that on the way in I accidentally blew up a bus containing all of the audience's and judges' children. ...and the Gong has been replaced by a starving tiger. ...and I also somehow managed to douse myself with steak juice just before appearing on stage."   "In the Prison Rape of life, this company is looking for a John Holmes wearing a sandpaper condom dipped in fiberglass and anthrax spores. Oh, yeah, and they brought their own Tobasco-Lube."   Burn, baby, burn....   Copyright 2004 by Frank Emsley