Sleepless in Jobland   It's been a while...   I've not updated since June due to the simple fact that I am too damned tired to type.   I'm sure the questions that are burning a hole in your skull are: - 1. Who Cares? 2. What is this green thing hanging off of my shoelace? 3. When is the last time I had wild sex worthy of Internet publication?   In the extremely unlikely event that you asked, "Gee, Frank, why are you working two full time jobs?" The answer is simple: I was FIRED.   Yes. I am probably the only person on the planet that can wind up being overemployed due to "negative work force management events." - Sidebar One: The Corporate butchering of the English language makes one wish that Orwellian NewSpeak would just hurry up and get here. I recently heard a question and answer session that took twenty times longer than it should have.   It went something like this...   CORPORATE FREAK 1: Because of urgent personal hygenic issues, I will be offline for a relatively extended period of time. I am anticipating input from a potential customer returning audible information. Is it possible for you to manage my current tasks for the duration of my temporary absence?   CORPORATE FREAK 2: Due to the lack of bandwidth, I am going to be unable to absorb any additional responsibilities. I would suggest that you pursue autofornicative activities until your cardiac output diminishes to a zero state.   Which means... CORPORATE FREAK 1: I really have to go to the bathroom, can you watch my phone?   CORPORATE FREAK 2: I'm busy. Fuck yourself dead.   What is really scary is that these fools use this idiotic method of communication without bursting out in laughter. I often wonder if these fools talk this way at home. Can you imagine these fools having sex? Better yet: Can you imagine an internet site dedicated to corporate pornography? Can you imagine the Dialog?   CORPORATE FREAK 1: My body temperature is increasing due to your significantly above average bodily dimensions.   CORPORATE FREAK 2: Would you like to apply oral-based negative pressure to my... - Back to getting fired...   In March of this year I was pulled into a little room along with all of my coworkers and was told that I had about six weeks of employment left due to downsizing. Why did this lead to two full time jobs?   Well, this is going to take some explaining....   Sidebar Two: I am a contract employee. I realize that contract employees, as a rule, are scum of the earth and, at best, have little to contribute to the world of business but this case is an extreme exception to the rule.   I work for a company that deals in technical equipment. I am the trainer for all order agents in the parts ordering department. The parts department has been under the management of my contract employer for over two years.   In December of 2002, the company made a transition to an new database system as well. We, as contract employees, were responsible for devising procedures for this system and transitioning from the old system to the new system.   In a typical fit of downsizing madness, the main company decided that ordering parts should be an easy task for the regular employees. Although they, the regular employees, had absolutely no contact with the parts department for over two years, they decided that if contract employees could order parts, then one-eyed, quadriplegic monkeys on LSD could probably do it as well.   There was a problem with this logic:   1. They, the regular employees, knew almost nothing about ordering parts. 2. Any knowledge they might have had was worthless since the transition to the new database system.   Back to getting fired...   So the company took back its parts department. As this was a simple department with a simple set of tasks, they wanted no assistance from the lowly contract employees. They trained their employees with the initial training packet for the new database system.   As with all new systems, things changed over the four months since the system was initially implemented. Big time. I offered to help with training and they would hear nothing of it. They insisted on training their employess with way-the-hell outdated materials and proceeded to take over the parts department.   Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Lone Ranger disguises himself as a lamp. Tonto comes in and promptly turns him on...   Sorry, I'm OK now.   Anyway, I went and found another job.   The new job required that I give one day's notice and immediately start two weeks of training. Rather than quit the other job, my boss let me run out my vacation time and then come back if the new job did not work out. He's a great guy.   After my two week absence, I went back to give my notice and found out that the regular employees were unable to take over the "simple" task of ordering parts. My boss asked if I could come back and help with the transition. As I now worked night shift at my new job, I could indeed work at the new place during the day.   And I have been doing this for five months.   Some observations:   1. When working five consecutive doubles, stationary objects become mobile. I get about three hours sleep on days that I work double shifts, I had a couple of weeks where I was working 16 hours a day, five days a week. After the third double, trees and rocks started moving around under their own power.   2. 80 hour weeks produce the same effect as three slammed beers. I've been on a three beer buzz for months. When my wife finds out about this, I'll be told to cut back on the hours as even simulated three beer buzzes are disallowed in my house.   3. Three hours of sleep = PTSD. When my wife wakes me up after three hours of sleep, I jump up screaming while trying to grab any firearms within reach. When this happens, she of course runs out of the room waiting for the inevitible gunfire. While I may have issues, my wife has even more serious problems in that we have no firearms in our house and yet she still waits for the gunplay. Note: I think that this reaction is due to the fact I was in Viet Nam in a previous life. (This is a little hard to believe since I was born in 1961 and was a kid during Viet Nam.)   4. Numbers mean nothing to me. This has nothing to do with the two job thing, it is just an observation.   5. My new job is very similar to my old job. My new job is working in a call center for organ donations. In other words, I'm still in the parts business.   6. Computers must die.   7. After 48 hours without sleep, Bob Dole speaks to me through various appliances.   8. Telling the police that you are not sure of your own name is a sure-fire way to secure a roadside sobriety test.   9. I think I ordered technical parts to be installed on a patient needing a kidney. It was a long night and I'm pretty sure that the outcome of the surgery was less than optimal.   10. I'm going to bed.   Later,   Frank.       Copyright 2003 by Frank Emsley