Rant Day   When writing for this page, I usually sweat hours upon hours doing research only to find out that mindlessly staring at online porn has no effect on the topic that I am trying to write about. With my internet research time being severely limited this week by the all-night, all- nurse boink-a-thon at the local octuple-X theaters, I am unable to do any pre-publication studying and will have to wing it.   I am unusually terrible at creating impromptu works based on anything topical. I believe this may have something to do with having gambled away various brain parts at a poker game I attended a few years ago. And while this lack of cranial contents seems to have hampered my abilities to impromptuize, it has had no effect on my raging need to vent at things that make me crazy. So I will rant on various things that have made me almost certifiably insane this week.   1. Random Acts of Kindness   Here in Thornton, Colorado, it is Random Acts of Kindness month. I would not normally know this but I just happened to read this on a piece of mail that was sent to me by my Local Government Paper Wastage Committee based right here in beautiful downtown Adams County. Yay.   Random acts of kindness, OK, where do I start?   First of all, the pamphlet was suggesting local charities to which the reader could "randomly" mail their hard-earned money. I find the idea of deliberately writing down a specific address on an envelope that just happens to have a valid, signed check with a specific amount of money to donate to a specific charity the furthest thing from random as one can get.   Second, if an act of kindness is truly random, how kind can it be?   Think about it this way...   An act that is perceived as kind cannot be random. No-one just randomly gives a suffering kidney failure victim a kidney that works. If this were a truly random act, the recipient would have pretty much a billion to one chance to receive the right organ in the right blood type from the right animal in the right condition. In other words, to actually follow the Random Acts of Kindness ideal, one must engage in random activities that will likely never result in someone perceiving the act as kind.   To be accurate, this should be known as "Random Acts That May Accidentally Become An Act Of Kindness"   Here are some examples of "Random Acts That May Accidentally Become An Act Of Kindness."   1. In order to prevent cruelty to animals, write out a donation to "Adult Children of Bisexual Alcoholic Parents Who Smoked" in an amount that is in fractions of a cent. Write the check on a closed account that used to belong to your neighbor's father-in-law. Sign the check with a name that is all consonants and note the memo section with, "For engraving services rendered by the pizza delivery flyswatter."   2. Cut out pictures of starving albinos and send them to left-handed Republicans in an effort to create a unilateral commission for the freeing of all political prisoners doing time for selling fifteen armed lab monkeys unneeded subscriptions to The Wall Street Journal, NASCAR USA, and The New Zealanders Urine Daily.   3. Collect fifteen pounds of dirt and mix it with ammonia to create a noxious slurry to be poured on top of all lawn maintenance equipment that suffers from dyslexia.   4. With closed eyes, pick out various items from the trash. Take the items and label them as "Respirator Parts" and send them to a local liquor store. Make sure that the package has plenty of Biohazard warning labels on it.   5. Scream at every fifteenth person on the street in an effort to raise awareness of the Girl Scouts That Dose Cookies With Automobile Fluids movement. When screaming at the intended enlightenees, make sure that you twirl around while yelling slogans that came from the Latvian Underwear Union during the 1961 management lockout.   6. Limp for the homeless.   7. Go door to door soliciting donations (in rubles) for Daughters of the American Revolution. Make sure that you always walk backwards and flip off people that drive green four-wheel-drive vehicles. Also remember to hum waltzes backwards and imagine your favorite Disney characters trying to climb a mound of tofu whilst completely naked.   8. I know... Invent absolutely stupid movements that makes people feel guilty for having the nerve to remain alive and well while everyone, and I mean EVERYONE ELSE SUFFERS FROM TRAUMA AND DISEASES THAT WERE CAUSED BY TRIVIAL GODDAM NOTHING CRAAAAPP THAT IS AS MUCH RELATED TO SUFFERING AS MY FUCKING CAT RESEMBLES A GODDAM ESSAY ON RIGHT-HANDED THIMBLES WRITTEN IN GODDAM FUCKING CHINESE!!! DIE!!!!! DIE!!!!! DIE!!!!!! AAAAHH!!!! AAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!   AHHHH!!!!!   AAAHHH!!!!!!   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Well, let's move on...   2. Alpha Male   My daughter and I go roller skating every week.   We have determined that the rink is actually nothing more than a White-Trash Day Care Center filled with stray kids, losers, and folks that make mongoloids say things like, "Hey, Joey, look at those dorks. Duh, I just pissed myself..."   Then there is the Alpha Male.   Christ, I'm gonna get sued over this one.   We skate on Sunday afternoons. The session that we skate follows the speed skating club practice.   While most of the speed-club members go home after their practice, there are a few stragglers that stay behind to skate fast during the regular session.   One of these stragglers is a mid-40s idiot that skates around at high speeds while wearing tight shorts acting as if he is God's Gift to the world.   At first the speed skater guy didn't bother me, he just skated around at high speeds. While this activity is disallowed by the rules, it is relatively harmless since few people are skating during the Sunday afternoon session and the guy seemed to steer clear of the average skater. Then...   One Sunday this guy starts getting a bunch of the speed-club kids to follow him around and terrorizing everyone that was attending the regular session. They managed to run most of the crowd off of the floor. This pissed me off. To fuck up the lanes of traffic, my kids and I decided to skate across an entire side of the floor forcing The Shorts-Wearing-Fuckhead (SWF) and all of the speed club kids to break up their group to get around us.   Later on in the session, the floor was clear and The SWF was about to take off his skates. I seldom skate fast and I would pose no threat to a "real" speed skater as I skate on quads and cannot hold a corner nearly as well the ten-wheeled-inline skaters can. With the floor being empty, I decided to take a couple of relatively high speed laps. When The SWF saw that I was making inroads on his speed-skating influence, he retied his skates and flew back on to the floor to reassert his dominanace so as to let all the females in the area know that he was THE ALPHA MALE.   Needless to say, The SWF has become known as The Alpha Male.   As time has gone on, I've begun to notice a number of really annoying things about this asshole that make me think that he must've spent much of his fetus time dodging coathangers.   1. Alpha Male acts as if skating faster than the average session rounder is some sort of accomplishment worthy of human sacrifice to the Gods of the Ever-Speeding-Roller-Skate. The Great Dickless One (GDO) (See below entry for further explanation) is obviously one that ran around schoolyards in sixth grade picking on the kindergarteners and succeeding seven times out of ten coming away from these confrontations as the victor. This idiot obviously gets his rocks off kicking one-legged dogs and beating the fuck out of people in wheelchairs...   2. Alpha Male feels that it is extremely important to complete his workout with sitting in front of the main exit from the floor with his legs splayed in an effort to show off his manhood to all trying to leave the skating surface. This would be great and everything but, as my 13 year-old daughter astutely observed, "...he's got NOTHING TO SHOW OFF!!!" Hence The Great Dickless One.   3. Alpha Male somehow thinks that his "accomplishments" mean anything to anyone inside or outside the realm of skating. It is absolutely amazing that this Dickless Fucking Wonder (DFW) somehow thinks that this makes him a macho force to be dealt with in the real world. I used to deal with all kinds of weird shit like armed gangstas, violent psychos, and driving brakeless eighteen wheelers down insane passes. To think that this idiot thinks that he could hold a candle anything that my twerpy, geeky little ass has acheived makes me inSANE.   A DAY AT WORK WITH ALPHA MALE   ALPHA MALE: Welcome to McDonald's, how can I help you?   CUSTOMER: Hi, gimme a cheeseburger.   ALPHA MALE: Would you like cheese on that?   CUSTOMER: What the fuck? It's a fucking CHEESEburger! What the fuck do YOU think?!?! "Do you want CHEESE on that?" Jesus, what fucking freak farm are YOU from?!?!   ALPHA MALE: Sir, I was just asking a question. So, did you want cheese on that cheeseburger?   CUSTOMER: Fuck it. I'm fucking tired of this shit. Everytime I come to one of these fucking places, I get some mongo-tard that doesn't have the sense god gave a bucket of roach sperm... (PRODUCES GUN FROM COAT AND POINTS IT AT ALPHA MALE) GIMME A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER, GET IT? A FUCKING CHEESE-FUCKING-BURGER!!!!   ALPHA MALE: Sir, you realize that you are in violation of a number of our company's policies? Most notably you are violating a policy that states explosive devices and guns are not allowed within fifty feet of the premises...   CASHIER 1: Actually, Bill, that is a policy for the employees, not the customers. The manager was directing that at YOU, not the people that eat here...   ALPHA MALE: Darn, I thought that he was talking to everyone. Well, anyway, I don't like you and the way you are treating the counter staff.   CASHIER 1: Actually, Bill, he wasn't mistreating the counter staff, he was just talking to you! (TURNS TO CUSTOMER) Sir, can I help you over here?   CUSTOMER: I don't know, do you have fucking CHEESEburgers?   CASHIER 1: Did he ask if you wanted cheese on your cheeseburger?   CUSTOMER: Yeah...   CASHIER 1: Bill! How many times I gotta tell you that cheeseburgers already have cheese?!?! Sir, come on over here. Do want anything else with that?   CUSTOMER: (PUTS GUN BACK IN COAT) Yeah, you got fries?   CASHIER 1: Yes, let me super-size them for free. It's the least I could do after all the hassle...   CUSTOMER: Thanks...   ALPHA MALE: OMIGOD, UNAUTHORIZED SUPER-SIZING! TIME FOR ALPHA-MALE-MAN!!!!   CASHIER 1: Oh, crap! Not again...   (ALPHA MALE SKITTERS OFF TO THE BACK OF THE RESTAURANT SINGING A SUPER HERO SONG FILLED WITH TA-DAs...)   CUSTOMER: What the fuck?   CASHIER 1: Dude. He's an idiot. BILL GET BACK UP HERE!!! Sir here's your meal, thanks for coming to McDonald's.   (ALPHA MALE SKATES BACK UP TO THE FRONT COUNTER WEARING A HOOD AND CAPE. HE IS SWINGING A PUSHBROOM OVER HIS HEAD AND KNOCKS A COOK OVER ONTO A GRIDDLE.)   COOK: AHHHH!!! GODDAM IT! THIS GUY'S A FUCKING IDIOT!!! AAAHHHH!!!!!   (ALPHA MALE GRABS A SPATULA AND TRIES TO PRY THE COOK'S FACE FROM THE GRILL)   ALPHA MALE: I WILL SAVE YOU! LET ME HELP YOU GET YOUR FACE OFF OF THAT HOT GRILL!!!   COOK: THE FUCKING GRIDDLE IS OFF!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!   (THE COOK STANDS UP AND SHOWS ALPHA MALE THAT HIS FACE IS FINE.)   ALPHA MALE: There! I've SAVED you!   CASHIER 1: Jesus, Bill.   CUSTOMER: Jesus...   ALPHA MALE: (POINTS AT CUSTOMER) Halt! That super-size is NOT Authorized! Get back here or meet the wrath of ALPHA-MALE-MAN!!!   (ALPHA MALE MANAGES TO STAND UP ON THE COUNTER IN HIS INLINE SKATES)   ALPHA MALE: No-one super-sizes without MY say-so!!!   CUSTOMER: Lemme guess, I'm having a flashback, right?   ALPHA MALE: BRING BACK THOSE EXTRA FRIES OR FACE THE...   (ALPHA MALE LOSES HIS BALANCE AND TWIRLS AROUND ON THE COUNTER)   ALPHA MALE: OR FACE... OR FACE THE...   (ALPHA MALE SKATES ACROSS THE COUNTER AND RUNS INTO THE WALL)   ALPHA MALE: Darn...   (ALPHA MALE'S SKATES SLIP OUT FROM UNDERNEATH HIM AND HE FLIPS OFF THE COUNTER HEAD-FIRST AND DIVES INTO THE DEEP FAT FRYER)   CASHIER 1: Christ, not again...   (ALPHA MALE PULLS HIS HEAD OUT OF THE DEEP FAT FRYER, HIS HEAD IS SIZZLING. THE CUSTOMERS CHEER)   (FADE...)   God, I hate this fool.   Next...   3. MacGyver   Making MacGyver jokes is like making fun of the 1917 Dodgers, it is way-the-fuck out of date and everybody knows that they, MacGyver and the 1917 Dodgers, really, really, really sucked. And, like everything that sucks, the Dodgers and episodes of MacGyver are still around on cable to remind us just why it is that we hate them so much.   So why would I watch MacGyver or the Dodgers if I hate them so much? I'm glad you asked.   Actually, I suffer from low blood pressure and my doctor said that I need to occasionally elevate my blood pressure in order to keep my hypotension under control. My doctor wrote a prescription for two episodes of MacGyver per week. He warned me that, while the program is in no way addictive, I should be careful not to use this prescription too often as it may result in headaches, rash, and an uncontrollable urge to change religions, hijack a large plane, and crash it into Richard Dean Anderson's house.   This treatment has been so effective that one dose of this show every other week has made my doctor consider putting me on a high blood pressure medication (Lasix & Jack Daniels) to offset and excessive effects of the MacGyver Therapy.   This Week On MacGyver: MacGyver steals a map and uses it to get away from the El-Salvadoran / Banana Republican National Guard. I will fast forward through the benign stuff to get to the really offensive part of the show.   MacGyver is in a DESERT. He escapes Hacienda Del Terror, runs across some sand dunes and jumps into a HOT AIR BALLOON to escape. When he jumps into the balloon, he pulls the handle of the torch thingie and immediately takes off. The terrorist guards or whatever start shooting at the balloon and MISS most of the time. One bullet does manage to hit the balloon near the bottom of the balloon and the leaking hot air from the bottom of the balloon creates a ominous hissing sound. MacAsshole produces a roll of duct tape and tapes the map over the hole to prevent all of the hot air from leaking out of the BOTTOM of the balloon so that MacDickhead can make a clean escape.   Questions:   1. Don't hot air balloons work off of the temperature differences in the atmosphere? In other words, wouldn't a hot air balloon work better in a place that is cold? Not in a goddamm summertime desert in El Salavador / Banana Republicanville at high noon?!?!   2. Why was the hot air balloon still inflated when MacGyver got back from ripping off the map? There was no-one at the balloon helping MacDumbShit keep the balloon inflated while he was gone. If it took him half an hour to accomplish his task, wouldn't the balloon have been at least a LITTLE deflated?!?!   3. Why are the Banana Republicans such crappy shots?   4. If the majority of the pressure in a hot air balloon is at the TOP of the balloon, why would the hole near the bottom of the balloon make a hissing noise?   5. WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THE BULLET GO AFTER IT MADE THE FIRST HOLE IN THE BALLOON? WITH AN UPWARD TRAJECTORY, THE BULLET WOULD HAVE EXITED AT A POINT EVEN HIGHER AND MORE DANGEROUS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BALLOON!!! WHY DIDN'T IT COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE AND MAKE AN EVEN LOUDER HISSING SOUND?   6. AND WHERE DID THE DUCT TAPE COME FROM?!?! ONE MINUTE HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY DUCT TAPE AND THE NEXT MINUTE, POOF, DUCT TAPE!!! WHAT ORIFICE DID THIS COME FROM?!?! I CAN HEAR PARENTS WARNING THEIR KIDS NOW, "DON'T PUT THAT DUCT TAPE NEAR YOUR FACE! MACGYVER MIGHT HAVE BEEN USING THAT STUFF ON THE EPISODE WITH THE HOT AIR BALLOON!!!"   7. MacDorkwad taped the map over the hole by putting the duct tape at the CORNERS of the map. This would do nothing as the hot air would just leak around the unsealed edges. Why didn't he just duct tape over the hole itself WITHOUT the map?!?! Oh, wait, that would ruin the whole "Maps Are Really Useful" theme of the show. Of course, the idea that ultra-brain-surgeon MacFuckingGyver could use anything even remotely resembling credibility is just plain STU, STOO, STOOOOOOOOPIIIDDD!!!! LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, THEY'RE BUYING FUR COVERED FRYING PANS BECAUSE ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS ARE BUYING THEM!! WHAT DO THEY CARE? WHO CARES IF THE SHOW COMPLETELY DEFIES ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLING COMMON FUCKING SENSE?!?! LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE!!!!! THEY BUY ANYTHING THAT YOU TELL THEM TO, THEY WEAR WHATEVER PEOPLE MAGAZINE TELLS THEM TO WEAR, AND IF MACGYVER BUILDS A FUCKING SPACE SHUTTLE OUT OF A BAG OF PIG VOMIT AND FORTY-SEVEN BROKEN SCREWDRIVERS THE AUDIENCE WILLL BUY IT!!!!! WHY WILL THEY BUY IT!?!? BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE THE BRAINS THAT GOD GAVE A FUCKING DEAD HARP SEAL!!!!! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Sorry, I'm OK now.   More later... Copyright 2003 by Frank Emsley