Christmas Movies   MFC.   I hate Christmas. It makes me absolutely crazy. To me, at least, Christmas is a time of year when possessive relatives make insane demands on my time and sanity while trying to honor something that I really don't care much about.   While I have nothing against people who celebrate the birth of an important person (a person that ended up being killed by his own followers and then brought back to life in order for him to go on a final big tour, you know, kind of like The Rolling Stones, but with only one big final tour instead of 793 final big tours), I do have a problem with some of the insane perennial ideas that make the rounds at this time of year.   Ideas like: Peace on Earth (for something like six weeks). Goodwill to Men (until they owe me money). God Loves You (if you give your church enough money). Santa Loves You (if your parents have enough money). Your Family Loves You (if you are willing to be publicly humiliated at the dinner table by drunken in-laws whose main achievement in life has been to remain as ignorant as possible with the help of copious amounts of alcohol, tobacco, firearms, and alcohol).   But I am not here to whine about how idiotically hypocritical Christmas seasons are, I'm here to whine about how idiotically hypocritical the Christmas movies are.   I HATE 'em.   My wife was watching some godawful thing on TV recently where the Son of Santa was sent to jail. While trying to get Son of Santa out on bail, Son of Santa's beautiful female lawyer acted as if Christmas were just another ho-hum day, that Christmas did not exist. What made me crazy was that I kept waiting for her to drop the Why-I-Hate-Christmas bomb and had to stand around for fifty minutes to find out the following: 1. Her parents DIED on Christmas day and, 2. Years later, her husband LEFT HER on Christmas day.   Not only did her parents die but her husband left her, too! We have apparently become so bored by the Typical Christmas Tragedy (TCT) that the writers felt they needed to add on to the parents' death. The audience could not possibly buy the ludicrous idea that the lawyer chick hated Christmas JUST because her parents DIED on Christmas.   I can hear the writers now:     BILL: This doesn't work.   FRED: What doesn't work?   BILL: This, this here (points at script). I don't know, it just doesn't seem, well, tragic enough.   FRED: Dude, her parents are dead, why isn't that enough?   BILL: I don't know... It's just boring.   FRED: Are you kidding me? A drunk driver killed them as they were pulling into the driveway of their home on Christmas and the little girl survived. The flashback scene has her clearly remembering the whole event. They came home with their unopened presents and they were hit by a drunken midget coming back from an all night Elf Christmas party held by a local mall. The scene fades out with the little girl looking at the blood-and-brains covered Christmas presents scattered around the pine tree in her front yard. How is that BORING?   BILL: Yeah, I don't know, it just needs something with a little, I don't know... Zing or something.   FRED: Her family was killed by a drunken ELF!!! There were bloody presents under a CHRISTMAS TREE!!! How is that NOT "zing"?!?!   BILL: Yeah, I don't know, maybe we should kill her dog, too...   FRED: Her dog DID die! He got hit by a second car after he pulled the little girl from the flaming vehicle.   BILL: Yeah, well, it needs something else. Maybe a train crash or an empty stocking or something. I don't know...   FRED: Jeeze.   BILL: Maybe a sled accident where Santa accidentally runs over his reindeer or maybe a tumor or something...   FRED: Hey, we already did the Christopher Reeve Christmas Tumor Special last year with the Rockettes and all of that. No tumors, we beat that one to, uh, death. Say, was it my stupid idea that we do the Christopher Reeve thing or was it yours?   BILL: Mine. That wasn't a big hit with all of the gimps and retards, was it? I really have to quit drinking at work.   FRED: Yeah, well, we have to get this thing straightened out. If you say it needs something, let's give it something. How about bikers?   BILL: Nah, I was thinking more in terms of something more emotional. I don't know...   FRED: How about bikers that become emotional after they have a 12 beer epiphany?   BILL: I dont' know...   [FADE]     This was a moment of revelation for me. Up until this point, I had never really thought of the formulae that almost all Christmas movies are based on. After thinking about it for a week or so, I have concluded that Christmas movies follow these four basic themes:   1. God Screwed Me   The God Screwed Me theme has been around a long time. This is not just a Christmas theme, it is the staple for almost every movie ever made. Gone With the Wind, Agnes of God, and Space Truckers are just a few of the movies that effectively utilize this theme.   The God Screwed Me theme is idiotic when used in average movies but when it is applied to Christmas movies it is especially hideous. The idea that God hates you all of the time and then suddenly decides that he likes you at Christmas is insane. These movies range anywhere from "It's a Wonderful Life," to, uh, "It's a Wonderful Life." Honestly, I don't watch much TV or see many movies and this is the only one that comes to mind right now. So let's just talk about this movie...   "It's a Wonderful Life" is a retarded movie. Jimmy Stewart loses a whole bunch of money and the entire town is screwed if he doesn't get it back. He decides to kill himself. Had he just jumped into the river or whatever, the movie would have become an instant classic, but, no, an angel had to show him what the town's life would be like if Jimmy had never been born.   The movie proceeds to stumble about talking about all of the things that Jimmy did that made a difference, blah, blah, blah... Who Cares? I don't.   In the end, money falls from the sky and it is revealed that ringing bells affect people in other time zones or something.   This maudlin piece of crap makes me want to kick in the tube and then feed the glass shards from the TV to the reindeer at the petting zoo. While I realize that there is no Santa or reindeer in this movie, I still feel that this would be an appropriate aftermath to seeing this movie.   2. Santa Screwed Me   Santa Screwed Me is one of the most common Christmas movie themes. This is especially true for TV movies. The whole point of the Santa Screwed Me theme is to get kids to believe that grown-ups also believe in SC. While the Santa Screwed Me theme is somewhat workable, the idea that adults suddenly start believing in Santa Claus makes me crazy. I know people that are atheists that tell their kids that Santa Claus is real.   (Hey, all of you little kids that surf the net unmonitored, SANTA'S NOT REAL!!!! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! )   This theme does not exclude the possibility of using other themes as well. The I Got Gangbanged by Santa AND God theme works, too. I saw a couple of movies like this at the Triple Xmas Double Feature a couple of years ago, but I digress.   Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, A Christmas Story, and I Didn't Get Shit for Christmas are just a few of the classic Santa Screwed Me movies. Of course, I will review Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer since I have seen this about 759 times in the past ten years. Here goes...   Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is pretty much the same thing as the song. Rudolph's a freak, nobody likes him and Rudolph saves the day. The end.   This movie kind of damaged me as a kid because the movie reveals that Rudolph is the offspring of two of the other reindeer that pull Santa's sled, Blitzkreig and Dander, I think. The idea of Santa's reindeer porking is one thing, that was startling in itself, but the idea that they screw and then produce Three-Mile-Island type abominations nearly pushed me past my limits.   Anyway, this is a stupid movie.   3. I Screwed Everyone Else   If there ever was an argument for cloning, it is this. With cloning, we could resurrect Charles Dickens and then kill him over and over and over until we feel that he has paid the price for writing A Christmas Carol.   This theme makes me nuts. Every damned TV show from I Love Lucy to Charlie's Angels Meet Scooby Doo has beat the Scrooge theme to death.   Here's how it goes...   Scrooge makes a lot of money. Scrooge is a miser. The ghosts of X-Mas Past, Present, and Future visit Scrooge to tell him what a jerk he is. Scrooge get scared and then someone in the living room picks up a chair and throws it through the TV screaming, "God DAMN it! I HATE this stupid movie! If it isn't this, it's some OTHER stupid Christmas movie that's broadcast eight kerschmillion times a day on every cable channel for six weeks running!"   While I do not enjoy the movie, I do like the ending. The screaming and all of that has started to grow on me.   4. Santa is Screwed   The Santa is Screwed theme hinges on the idea that either no-one believes in Santa Claus or everyone hates Santa Claus or Santa Claus is mistaken for a Catholic Priest.   The first movie that comes to mind is The Miracle on Eighty-Twelfth Street or whatever. One of the things about this movie that makes me crazy is that I can never remember the number of the street that this supposedly occurs on. I swear to God the street number changes every year. By the time that I get it into my head that it is on 72nd street, the movie is advertised the next year as The Miracle on 41st Street. I think that this is further evidence that Hollywood and the rest of the world are out to make me insane. Anyway...   Another movie that comes to mind is The Santa Clause. This movie pisses me off because the theme is ripped off from a Piers Anthony novel. In the novel, On a Pale Horse, some guy accidentally kills the Grim Reaper and has to take over the job. I hate Piers Anthony and the whole fantasy fiction thing but I hate even worse the idea that they had to steal the idea FROM Piers Anthony. Even WORSE: In order to explain why this angers me, I have to admit that I actually read a Piers Anthony book!   Anyway, this theme sucks. The Miracle on Eighty-Twelfth Street or Whatever is a story about a little girl that believes in Santa Claus but nobody else does. The girl discovers that Santa is crazy and Santa goes to court to prove that he is sane. The movie ends with Santa in a nuthouse saying, "Can you still hear them, Clarice?" and then someone in the living room picks up a chair and throws it through the TV screaming, "God DAMN it! I HATE this stupid movie! If it isn't this, it's some OTHER stupid Christmas movie that's broadcast eight kerschmillion times a day on every cable channel for six weeks running!"   MFC, folks.   Copyright 2002 by Frank Emsley