Screw this.

 

I've been searching all weekend for something to whine about and I've got zippo...

 

I'm supposed to write this letter to a head honcho of another division of my company telling her why I like working for my company. I do like working for my company, but I don't feel like killing my two readers with boring anecdotes from The Joys of Being a Contract Employee and Other Revelations of Absolute Tedium.

 

I'm also supposed to be doing some online buying in order to get ready for Christmas, Jesus, I hate Christmas. The idea of peace-on-earth and all that crap makes me insane. This may be a topic for future discussion...

 

Oh, yeah, and I'm supposed to be putting together a class for my company to help with a transition from our current (Read: Functional) database to a newfangled Oracle (Read: What the hell kind of excuse for a database is this?) system. (We have decided to call it Orgasmicle. This thing looks like it was put together by a geekazoid, undersexed programmer trying to surf porn and write code all at the same time. Because of this inside knowledge of its humble origin, Oracle is also known as "The One Handed Wonder.") This topic is good for one or two lines and not much more.

Gotta find something to write about, but what?

I got it...

 

I turned on the TV this afternoon and I saw one of the weirdest things ever broadcast on cable. It was the Gem Shopping Network or something like that and it was absolutely bizarre.

 

It started out with this rotating turntable with numbers along the outside. On each number was a cardboard thing with the most miserable excuse for jewelry attached to it. The table turned round and round and the weird jewelry just got weirder and weirder.

 

Some of the rings were almost beyond description. As my kids and I watched, we commented on the incredible things we saw...

JESSICA: Look at that one, looks like it was put together by a bunch of bees on LSD.

 

CLINT: And THAT one! What kind of gem is that, anyway? I didn't know that petrified roach crap was so valuable. I wonder what it would take to petrify my OWN feces. Wouldn't that be great? Clint Crap Designer Rings and Necklaces. Probably be a BIG hit in places like Arkansas and Grand Junction. Talk about some expensive, uh...

 

ME: Yep. I think the thing that seals it for me are the ones with the guaranteed appraisal certificates. I could just see some drunken, jobless hick sitting in a back room banging out tons and tons of GEN-YOOO-WINEcertificates in triplicate. I can imagine receiving a cert with a bunch of white out all over it stating that my diamond / ruby / arbitrary-piece-of-rock is guaranteed to be worth more than the appraiser's abode. Then again, the going rate for tar-paper duplexes is quite a bit lower since the economy has taken a dive.

 

Even worse, I fiddle with the remote and find yet ANOTHER Home Diamond Network on the VERY NEXT CHANNEL!!! These guys are even worse than the previous idiots.

 

The fools on the next station are selling gaudy Hindu praying jade godess necklaces for, get this, CHRISTMAS GIFTS!!! It wasn't enough that they were selling symbols for one religion to people celebrating another religion, they were doing so with stuff that looked like it was made solidified, polished goats' vomit!

 

First of all, the idea of selling Hindu stuff for Christmas strikes me as being about as sensible as peddling NWA CDs at a KKK rally. Second, the stuff was made out of GOAT PUKE!!! Come ON! Why not just compress some used toilet paper, varnish it, mount it on a lead setting, and then push it as an agate substitute that is just PERFECT for Bar Mitzvas, Birthdays, and all holidays that take place on the eighteenth of August!

 

On top of all this were the callers that kept calling in talking about the wonderful bargains to be had at the Trailer Trash All Jewelry Network.

MARVIN THE INCREDIBLY ANNOYING HOST: HI! WHAT'S YOUR NAME? (Note: I am sure that MARVIN THE INCREDIBLY ANNOYING HOST speaks almost exclusively in Caps Lock.)

 

BACKWARD-JOE-HICK-ASS-BUYER: Hi. I'm Joe. From North Little Rock.

 

MARVIN THE INCREDIBLY ANNOYING HOST: WELL, JOE, WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE AMAZING GEM AND SHOCK ABSORBER SET THAT YOU JUST BOUGHT?

 

BACKWARD-JOE-HICK-ASS-BUYER: Hi, I bought the 8-track stereo and pipe wrench setup.

 

MARVIN THE INCREDIBLY ANNOYING HOST: SO, DID YOU LIKE THE WAY THAT CUBIC ZIRCONIUM PENDANT SHINED AND GLITTERED ON THE TABLE HERE?

 

BACKWARD-JOE-HICK-ASS-BUYER: Hi. I didn't buy no cubic zircmum fillee-goodjit. I bought the 8-track and (SOUND FX: CLANGING SOUND FOLLOWED BY GUNFIRE AND A CRYING BABY) Dammit! I just dropped my beer into the... Hang on, I gotta... (SOUND FX: BREAKING GLASS, GOATS BLEATING AND WIND CHIMES) Shit, this damned transmission. I just lost my toothbrush...

 

MARVIN THE INCREDIBLY ANNOYING HOST: WELL, JOE, I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOY THE NEW SET AND CALL US AGAIN, OK?

 

BACKWARD-JOE-HICK-ASS-BUYER: Hi. Do you guys sell toothbrushes? I (DIAL TONE)

 

The scariest part of all of this is that these fools have been on the air for years and there is enough of a market to keep literally dozens of such channels afloat.

 

No, I take that back. The scariest part is that people that buy from these freaks are allowed to VOTE!!!

 

Christ, get me a beer.