OK.

Here Goes.

I am writing.

Yes, this is going to be pretty boring.

I was supposed to write a thing for a friend of mine for publication in his paper. (Yes, some of this stuff actually gets published.) Instead of writing an insightful piece on the state of human affairs, I wound up portraying a news conference involving a dead person, an idiot, and a babbling Muhammed Ali.

One may ask why it is that I insist on doing the wrong thing at the right time, the answer is simple: I detest success.

I recently went through a mall for the rich. In this mall I spied $50.00 hand powered cheese graters, an ugly green velour vest that cost $300.00, and some of the most angry, ugly people that I have ever seen in my life. I came away from the experience feeling that if this is what money does to people then I want none of it.

I find it ironic that I live happily in a trailer. I find it amazing that I only net $1500.00 a month and still have a good home life. My kids are happy, my marriage is good, and my life is worthwhile. Why is it so hard then for people that bring home ten times my income to at least appear happy? I wish I had an answer.

I recently saw the movie "The Skulls." (I got it from the library, we haven't rented a movie from Block Busters in ten years.) This movie depicts rich people as being nothing more than members of The Lucky Sperm Club, that the rich become rich by being born into the position, nothing more. If what I see of the $50.00-Hand-Powered-Cheese-Grater set is any indicator, this may be true.

If one were born into wealth and had no idea why, one could get seriously depressed, and rightfully so. Do I believe this to be the case? No, but it would explain a lot.

So the question still stands: Why do I perceive rich people as being permanently down-in-the-mouth?

Here are some possible answers:

1. Rich people suck. Sucking is the number one cause of, well, sucking. I have a friend of mine that works as a night auditor in a relatively high-class hotel. The stories of the well-to-do acting like complete assholes run rampant on his property. One such story goes like this:

The hotel serves a continental breakfast. The breakfast is served in an enclosed area that is locked and darkened whenever the room is not being used. In giant letters on the glass door is a sign that says: BREAKFAST IS SERVED FROM 6:00 AM TO 9:00 AM. One morning my friend set up breakfast thirty minutes early and forgot to lock the doors. A snotty guest saw that the breakfast was set up and went into the unlit room at 5:30 AM and served himself breakfast. The guest glared at the night auditor through the glass, sat down in the dark and proceeded to eat his breakfast. Every thirty seconds or so the guest looked at the desk to see if the night auditor noticed that the guest was sitting in the dark. The night auditor then stared back at the guest and waited for the guest to at least ASK him to turn on the lights. Rather than ask the auditor to turn on the lights, the guest proceeded with eating breakfast and giving nasty looks at the front desk. After finishing breakfast, the guest went to the front desk and silently checked out of the hotel.

Incidents of this nature occur on a fairly regular basis at my friend's hotel. Do I believe that rich people suck? No, but this is a possible answer.

2. Rich people are stupid. The book, "The Bell Curve" states that the rich tend to have higher IQs than the rest of us. This epiphone answers the age-old question, "If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?" According to "The Bell Curve," smart people ARE rich and vice versa. I personally think that smart people tend to be happy people regardless of income because the truly intelligent have a grasp on what happiness is all about. A genuinely brilliant person would look at his or her unhappiness and banish it with a simple letter starting out with the phrase, "Dear Christopher Reeve..." Anyone with an IQ higher than that of the average household appliance would immediately see that things could indeed be worse. My question to the hacked-off well-off is, "If you're so rich and smart, why aren't you happy?" The answer is simple: Rich, unhappy people cannot possibly be very bright.

Do I believe that rich people are stupid? No, I but I do believe that the depressed well-to-do do have a problem with perspective.

3. Another possible explanation: I'm wrong. This of course resolves everything, this also means that the UFOs are NOT responsible for hiding my car keys. Do I actually believe that I am wrong? Of course not. And if I get my hands on those UFO guys, they're gonna PAY!

This, like everything else, is a matter of perspective. I am sure that my perception of the rich is skewed and that I only notice those who are extremely pissed off. I'm sure that the idiot in the BMW that tried to run me off the road is not representative of BMW drivers on the whole. Incidents of this nature happen all the time and I'm sure that it has nothing to do with the wealth of the driver involved. In truth, only a small number of BMW drivers that I flip off ever try to force me into the ditch.

So much for perspective.