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What??? Whoopee...   Another Update.   Yay.   Where's the gun?   I have less than no idea what I'm going to write about here. Uh, wait, I know...   Uriah Heep still sucks. Big news flash, eh?   The problem with trying to update is that I really want to write about my work but I was advised that some upper level people at work actually search the internet for our names to see if we are writing about them. My understanding is that after these people find stuff that is less-than-flattering about them, they fire you. Yay. Just want I need.   NOTE: My supervisors and managers are the greatest people on the planet and HAHAHAHAHA.... Shit, I knew I couldn't finish that without laughing. (Yeah, yeah... I know... I'm FIRED! Yay!)   Anyway, life is weird. Let's see...   A perpetual problem for my writing is finding something to write about. I used to write more about my personal life but it has become a bit dull as of late. This is not a bad thing - believe me, I'm HAPPY not to have one damned dysfunctional thing or another to write about in my life. The kids are doing well and I'm getting married in a month. Life is good and if it gets any better, God is gonna kill me.   Names...   I work in a call center and do one of the weirdest jobs on the planet. I really can't go into details about the work, there are a lot of strange issues that come along with writing about my job, most of them pretty serious. I suppose I can write about one thing from work...   Ever see the movie Kiss Kiss Bang Bang? There is a weird little bitching point in the movie that made me go, "No SHIT! I HATE that shit! Aaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!"   The Robert Downey Jr character starts griping about southern California women and how they spell their names, his example is the name Jill spelled, "Jylle" and he states that retardedly spelled names is one of the signs of the standard, screwed-up, southern California chick. No fucking shit...   When I first started running into the oddly spelled female names, I first I thought it was a little weird, but OK. As time went on, I started noticing a kind of neediness that drove me crazier and crazier. After 10 years of call center work, I have been able to spot the needy ones simply by the spelling of their names and I hate them all.   The rule I have devised goes like this: The more porked-out the spelling of the name, the more likely that the caller was a Borderline Personalty Disorder with Massively Porkified Passive Aggression Issues (BPDWMPPAI). It's gotten worse over the years and there are a few names which I just hate to hear on the phone since I am sure that I will not be able to spell them.   Here they are...   "Cindy" Alternate spellings... Cindi, Sindy, Cindie, Cindee, Syndey, Cyndi (Really! It's fucking backwards! I see this one ALL of the TIME! KILL me!!!), Cyndee, Sin-D (Gansta style), Synndeeeee, Cqyqnqdqy (The silent "Q" method) Glarbnoff, Gragglenort, blah, blah blah....   "Chris" (The absolute worst) - Alternate spellings.... Kris, Krys, Cris, Chrys, Khris, Kirs (Yes), Ckhcriysy, Kress, Khreys, Krysse, Krabba, Grabba, Glarbnoff, Gragglenort, Crabbagrabber, Fnornknoid, Glark.   "Terry" - Alternate spellings... Teri, Tery, Terrie, Terri, Tarri, Tari, Tary, Tarry, Tarface, Steak Tartar, Trap, Tarp, Arp, AARP, Gronk, Gargomel, Glarbnoff, Gragglenort, Crabbagrabber, Fnornknoid, FuckMeSensleless.   "Susie" - Alternate spellings... Suzeeeeee, Steak Tartar, Trap, Tarp, Arp, AARP, Gronk, Gargomel, Glarbnoff, Gragglenort, Crabbagrabber, Fnornknoid, FuckMeSensleless with a giant AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!.   Sorry, I'm OK, now. I'm too lazy to go on and list all of the other names that piss me off, I could be here all day.   On to other random shit...   Aloe Vera.   As the tour-de-force in Attentiondeficitland continues, I will wander around into random areas and bitch about whatever the hell annoys me during the nanosecond that I attempt to think about it.   Question: What the fuck is aloe vera and why is it in everything from toothpaste to hemorrhoid cream? I swear, I even have car wax and bug killer with friggin' aloe vera in it.   My problem with the whole aloe vera thing is that I've NEVER seen that the stuff is actually good for one single thing. There are lots of general statements as to possible benefits of the stuff but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, stating that any of these claims have been verified.   I didn't understand the reason for someone wanting to drown an entire continent in worthless plant goo until I saw a stupid thing on TV about twenty years ago. On this program a woman on some dirt-poor, god-forsaken island was walking around randomly pulling leaves off of aloe vera plants and talking about all the good things it could do for people. The plants were fucking EVERYwhere. The lady was crashing into the aloe vera plants and she was having trouble even navigating a four inch straight line because of all of the aloe vera plants. She continued to talk as she staggered around crashing into plants...   EXTERIOR: ALOE VERA LADY (VERA) IS WALKING AND RUNS INTO A ALOE PLANT.   ALOE VERA LADY: Ooof! (SLAPPING THE PLANT) You stupid... I'm gonna smash you into a... (REALIZES THAT THE CAMERA IS ON HER AND ADDRESSES THE TV AUDIENCE)   ALOE VERA LADY: Hello! My name is Vera and I was asked to tell you all about, SHIT! (THUMPS INTO ANOTHER PLANT AND CONTINUES TO TALK TO THE AUDIENCE).   ALOE VERA LADY: This is the land of the aloe vera plant. It is the miracle of modern medicine. It is said to cure ah, FUCK!!! (SMASHES INTO ANOTHER PLANT AND CAREENS OUT OF THE SCREEN, STAGGERS BACK INTO THE SCREEN AND KEEPS TALKING)   ALOE VERA LADY: This lovely gift of nature has the power to heal wounds, soothe skin, and cure the most debilitating diseases known to mankind. The aloe vera plant can do this because it grown in the most fertile and disease-free... Son of a BITCH! (VERA TRIPS OVER A PLANT, FALLS DOWN COMPLETELY OUT OF THE SCENE, GETS UP, AND KICKS THE PLANT.)   ALOE VERA LADY: Mother FUCK! I HATE these... Sorry. Anyway... The aloe is one of the most durable plants on the island. In fact, there was a time when we didn't know the value of this plant, a time when we soaked the entire island in gasoline and, SWEET JESUS! (VERA TRIPS OVER ONE PLANT, SMASHES INTO TWO OTHER PLANTS AND FALLS DOWN FACE FIRST INTO THE SAND).   ALOE VERA LADY: (OFF SCREEN) I want to move to a DESERT! These damned things... (VERA APPEARS BY STANDING UP IN FRONT OF THE SCREEN, BRUSHES COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF SAND FROM HER FACE) As I was saying, we once doused the place with gasoline, agent orange, and uranium mill tailings and then we set the entire place on fire. That conflagration killed all of the people, the bugs, and damned near everything... But these plants were untouched and... (AN ALOE VERA BUSH FALLS ON VERA'S HEAD, SHE GOES DOWN AGAIN AND SLOWLY GETS BACK UP).   ALOE VERA LADY: That's it, I've had it... Listen, these things won't go away and we need a way to get a good laugh on the rest of the planet as payback for this godawful... HOLY GOD! (AN ALOE VERA PLANT SWINGS FROM A TREE ON A ROPE, SMASHES VERA IN THE FACE AND KNOCKS HER DOWN. VERA JUMPS UP AGAIN SCREAMING AT THE PLANT THAT HAS APPARENTLY SWUNG OFF INTO THE WILDERNESS. SHE SHAKES HER FIST AT THE DEPARTING PLANT.) You BASTARD!!!   ALOE VERA LADY: Fuck this, I HATE these things! And you know WHAT? The squeezings from this crap don't do ANYthing! Well, ok, these things have been known to cause cancer in iguanas and SHIIIITTTT!!!! (A PILE OF ALOE VERA PLANTS FALLS FROM THE SKY AND BURIES VERA ALIVE. MUFFLED CUSSING IS HEARD AS THE SCENE FADES.)   Note: There was no real good way to end this...   Another note: The name thing just sucked. Oh well...   On to bigger and better things.   Random Tech Support Email Rant   I was trying to configure some goddammed thing as a newsreader. Comcast's help files were worthless. The FAQ was out of order and everything was a mess. It wasn't until halfway through the FAQ that I found I was reading a Windows Vista help file. Needless to say, when I got to the comment section, I made the most of it...   Here's my Comcast Tech Support Email   Comcast survey question:   Did this solve your problem?   My answer:   This was absolutely fucking worthless. There is no "Windows Mail" anywhere on my fucking computer. There's NOTHING to click on! Thanks for the fucking HELP!   Summary: Just click on something that is not even on your computer and the whole thing will just GO AWAY!   Jesus, I hate you people.   Why not just say: 1. Click the Start button in the left-hand corner of your taskbar. 2. Select All Programs. 3. Sprout fucking wings and fly around. 4. Click the Tools Menu and wait for the second coming of Jesus Fucking Christ while singing Barney songs! 5. Click on the button marked: "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm FUCKED!!! Microsoft technical support is so fucking EVERYWHERE!!! I am SOOO FUCKED!!!!!" 6. Get handgun. 7. Point at head. 8. Pull trigger. 9. Realize that Comcast made the gun and that it will NEVER WORK!!! HAAA!! HAA!!! IT NEVER FUCKING ENDS!!!!! HAAA!!!! HA! HAA!!!!! I am SOOO FUCKED!!!!!!!!! Comcast is is the prisoner named Bubba wearing a sandpaper condom and I am nothing but a face-down quadriplegic with no grease!!! Ha! HA! HAAA!!! HAAAAAA!!! HA! HAAAAAAAAA!!!     The real punchline is that this sonofabitching email is going to India some fucking place and the people that receive the message will be saying something like...   "Habib, how long has Comcast been making these so-called handgun things and where is the documentation on this?" "Don't call me Habib. When I am working, I am to be called Steve, that is my online tech support name, OK?"   "OK, Steve, hahahaha! Steve, that makes me laugh! Hahaha, Steve, Steve, Cow Brains! Hahaha! I am so much the funny! By the way, what is sandpaper? And who is Barney? And what is this 'fuck' thing we always see in our tech email?"   P.S. The "Rate Article" survey needs a "Holy Fuck" radio button.   I'm better now...   That is all.   Copyright 2008 by Frank Emsley

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